Tag Archives: weight loss

Up Swing

Things with the bestie are back to normal (thank God).  Life gets weird sometimes and then it comes back around to a good place, that’s just the way it works.  Since surgery, I’ve been dealing with some shit emotionally and it got in the way.  She’s been dealing with shit emotionally and it got in the way too.  Life.  Now if only the both of us and her kids could stop being sick so we can get back to our regularly scheduled chick dates, that’d be pretty awesome.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about being the “other woman.”  I have a hard time even saying or feeling like I was the “other woman,” because we weren’t together really (just a couple weeks before hearing from his girlfriend, we had settled on being best friends with benefits).  He was okay with me having someone on the side, I was okay with him having someone on the side.  Of course, being completely HONEST about it was also part of that arrangement (even though it was scary, I was honest about my dating other people while he kept me in the dark).

Since we did do things that would not have happened if I had known he had a girlfriend who was not okay with an open relationship, though, yeah I guess I’m the “other woman.”  What do I even do with that?  Oh I know, give it back to him, because it’s not my fault.

When anything remotely similar has happened like before, I’ve kicked the guy to the curb immediately.  My intentions were different in those relationships, though; and I was not open to being anything but the only one.

I was REALLY close to kicking this one to the curb just like the others, but the friendship I value more than anything with him makes me want to hang on.  Yes he lied.  Yes he hurt my feelings.  Yes he’s broken my trust in many ways.  But sometimes friends do really awful things to us and we still forgive them and refuse to let the friendship go because we’re all human and we all make big dumb ass mistakes from time to time.   I know I have, and my friends still love me anyways.

I had, and continue to have, confusing romantic feelings for him.  Our chemistry is undeniable and always has been, but his immaturity is so clear now.  That immaturity got him into this situation.  That immaturity is keeping him from really doing what he needs to do to get himself out of the dog house (at least with me).  As I keep seeing glimpses of how his immaturity caused this and is playing out since, the romantic feelings I had seem to be waning.  I don’t have the time or the energy to waste trying to help someone grow up anymore, especially if they’re not willing to put in the effort too.  My life is moving forward, with or without him.

The scale is torturing me again.  I’m hovering around 302, 303, 301 and cannot get my ass to #twoderland!  We got a storm that came through last weekend, I had a crazy busy week, and now I’m sick, so I haven’t been walking since my 3 mi. hike out at Red Rock last Friday (to celebrate being -105lbs!).

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With stalls courtesy of a lack of regular exercise, it’s looking like the next 100 lbs is going to be the real challenge, my dears.   At least I know I’m up for it!

Surgery is slowly but surely teaching me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I really hoped that this journey would be transformative not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well; and it is.  I am seeing my worth in a whole different way, from inside.  I am not seeking (as much) validation and approval from outside sources, where it has never been (and never will be) fulfilling.  I am holding my head up high.  I am looking people in the eyes.  I am smiling more.  I am becoming the me that I knew I was and could be.  It’s really quite incredible!

Business is going well, got an article in a local lawyer magazine, and I’m getting some really amazing referrals from the best places.  The next couple of months are going to be really fun too, because I’m going to be back on the radio and am starting a monthly segment on a business show on 4/4/16 (updates will be coming via my law firm Facebook page)!  Life is good!

Have a lovely weekend, friends!

Food!

I’ve had writers block lately.  I get into this mindset where I desperately want to write something you all actually give a shit to read. I want to stand out as something special to you, to the world, to myself. As more people pass through, follow, comment and like, the harder it becomes to live up to my expectations for that.  In other words, I have forgotten why I started blogging in the first place: for me; for my sanity; for the lonely girl, woman, man or person out there who might chance upon this blog and finally feel they’re not alone.  Writing for the masses is not why I started writing. So, no offense, but I have to forget about all of you.

I have been trying to continue to be patient about surgery, but it’s not easy. Patience has never really been a virtue of mine, unfortunately; when I want something, I go for it and I want results now. And boy do I want to have this surgery like nobody’s business. I want nothing more than to shed this fat suit. I want to do all the things my weight has been keeping me from. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be beautiful.

I have also been working very hard to get into the right mindset for surgery. No, its not about my jean size. I’ve been tackling my food issues in earnest, and it’s so hard. Eating less, being more mindful about what I eat, when I eat, how I eat, and the hardest of all: why I eat.

Why do I eat?

I eat for a lot of reasons. I eat because I was forced to. I eat for comfort. I eat because it makes me feel something other than the crushing sadness and anger deep in my soul. Well, I used to think eating made me feel good, but that’s not true anymore. Eating does make me feel good in the moment, when my seratonin levels are raging. When I overdo it, though, I feel like shit; I feel guilty, gross, gargantuan. It was this sick self fulfilling prophecy that I used to engage in more than I care to admit.

Eating better, eating less, eating slowly, eating to live rather than living to eat is what makes me feel really good, now. Some days I fall right back into old habits, but those days are fewer and getting farther between. It’s a struggle, but I’m making noticeable progress. I’m down a solid 18 lbs. now, but more importantly I’m feeling like I’m developing a healthier relationship with food.

I have to keep working. Daily. I also have to keep waiting.

Although the gal who did my psych eval said I passed, it apparently takes a week to tell the surgery center that. That week was up this past Wednesday, which means I should be seeing the surgeon any second right? Wrong. Everyone who could possibly approve my chart for surgical consult is apparently on vacation until Monday, which means that surgery probably won’t be until September. Or, it’ll be at a time in August when my friends are all gone and I’ll be alone through the worst of recovery. Trying to still be patient and have faith that God won’t give me a surgery date that will leave me vulnerable and without a support network.

On another note, I almost told my parents about surgery yesterday. It’s becoming more complicated not to. Or maybe I’m just so comfortable with the idea now, I’m not that worried about letting them know. Or is it that I’m feeling more careless? I don’t know. Either way, I didn’t do it. I’m still not quite ready, but I hate hiding things. I hate being silent, but these are the people that made me hate the need for hiding things in the first place. I dunno. I’m still confused by this part, obviously.

So, we wait.

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GoPicnic and Crockpots – WLS Eating

I had another bad eating night this week (only 2, so that’s really not too bad).  Stress and exhaustion got to me and I had a hardcore binge. *sigh*  I’ve been trying very hard to forgive myself when I fall, so I can keeping moving forward every day on this journey, even if only a small step.

On a brighter note, these bad boys are going to be a godsend pre- and post-op!

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Delicious, gluten free, vegetarian, non-gmo, healthy, appropriately portioned little meals! Protein ranges from 5g – 18g (I think), so some decent options there too. Everything is individually wrapped, so you can eat one thing and finish the rest later!

Plus, it’s kind of fun to imagine being on a picnic every day! 😄

On another note, when your dietician says buy a crockpot, you buy a crockpot.  Never used one before in my life.  Should be interesting!

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Having A Moment

It was a bad food day. Started with the best of intentions.  Fruit and a skinny caramel macchiato.  Then had to scarf lunch mid day – a Bobbie from Capriotti’s.  Not terrible. 

Then protein shake sampling time – yay Amazon!  (Btw, iso100 #teampurple is better in my humble (and dietician’s) opinion). 

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Then pigged out.  Pizza. Big chef salad. Dessert.  Ugh. 

What if I still have this insatiable appetite after surgery? Chronic anxiety and weight loss surgery. Will I ever pass the psych eval? I will, but when that bitch anxiety gets going, she tears everything down.  All your successes are failures.  You are a failure.

This may end up being even harder than I could have anticipated.  It’ll be worth it in the long run, and I’m not stopping.  But still.  

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Mental Cool Down

Today has been a busy day.  One of several this coming week. *sigh* While I need to get some sleep, my anxiety and excitement are going crazy, so here I am to tell you all that’s on my mind.  Thanks for listening.

Had a lazy Sunday morning (the best, right?), jumped in on #SundayBlogShare with Suzie81 Speaks for a minute (it’s fun, you should try!).  Then, caught up with  friends on Facebook and 💜ed away on Instagram while a movie and a few guilty pleasure shows from the last week play in the background (e.g, all of the Little Women shows on Lifetime). Got in my water for the day (gave up soda a week ago last Friday), had leftover pizza and dessert (yeah, I’m getting it in while I can, so shoot me). After lunch, it’s off to work. 

Work on Sunday – boo! But, my first solo trial starts on Wednesday (eek!) and so time with the clients and the quiet time after to focus was really great. I’m still nervous (and a bit excited too, I can’t lie), but I feel more prepared than I did yesterday.  That’s a fantastic feeling, let me tell you.

Adding to my nerves and excitement, though, is my apointment with the dietician tomorrow!  I have absolutely no idea what to really expect.  Again.  I’m just trying to go with the flow.  With that said, what the heck was I thinking making the nutritionist appointment a day and a half before trial started?!  I think I just really wanted to get it going. It was a month between the seminar and the nutritionist, after all. I didn’t want to wait!

Still, I should know better.  Lol

I have to say, when it gets super busy like this at work, I really worry that weight loss surgery isn’t right for me right now.  How will I ever prep prep prep?  How will I exercise faithfully? How will I possibly manage my anxiety and depression as I work through what I’m sure is going to be a rollercoaster? Oh, and still function at work? I’m so terrified of failing in the long run.  I know I’ve been successful at lots of things I’ve set my mind to, but not this.  Never this.  It’s scary to think that I’ll go through all this and fail again. 

I mean, I can hardly remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. But then I remember that I’ve got a couple of months (at least, I hope) without something really big like trial after this week is over (thank you baby Jesus!), and I stop worrying so damn much.  I’ll have time to focus on making changes before surgery, on working through this process.  Or I’ll make time.  This is important and will be a priority.

All I do know is I’m pretty at peace with the decision to go for surgery, despite all that.  It finally feels like the right time. 

Oh, today I also found a few cool, friendly people on Instagram and Twitter who are sharing their weight loss surgery pictures and journies! It’s super inspiring and gets me excited to see what my results and stuff will be! I hope I can do well. :)

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Grateful for YOU!

I am incredibly grateful for my fellow bloggers this morning.  I love reading all of your stories.  I love that you all share your lives and your hearts so freely with the rest of us.  I love your poems, your pictures, your opinions, your authenticity, and how each of your personalities shine through your words.
I can only hope that you are getting as much from blogging as I feel like I have over the last 14 months since I started here. 

I know my posts can be pretty heavy sometimes. When I go to my dark places, my readership and engagement seems to dwindle.  Maybe that’s because it’s hard to read, much less like, a post about abuse, or depression, or any of the other hard stuff.  I get that.  But I have to get it out before it kills me (like it almost did), and I hope you can understand at least that part of it.

To those of you who regularly like and comment, even when I’m stuck in the darkness, I am forever grateful.  It’s those little things that help bring me back into the light that much faster. 

I am particularly grateful at the moment for those of you blogging about your weight loss surgery journeys.  Now that I’ve met with the nutritionist, I’ve realized that despite all my research in the past, I have no idea what to expect.  Reading about your fears, your excitement, your struggles, and your path along this road is comforting in the tempestuous sea of anxiety that occupies my mind.  I have so many questions, so many fears, so much hope and you guys and gals are right there for all of it.  Knowing we are in this together is priceless.

So, to everyone blogging, following, commenting, liking, tweeting and otherwise just clicking through, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 💜

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Moving Forward (WLS Update)

I finally had my first appointment with the endocrinologist/nutritionist this week! I was really bummed when it seemed so far away, but April flew by.

I had to do blood work last week so he could see what’s up with my body at this point.  I was worried it would be all bad news, but my only real issues are that I’m pre-diabetic and my vitamin B12 and D3 are low.  The pre-diabetes part, while not totally unexpected, was pretty hard to hear.  Thankfully it was followed by news that surgery and the following weight loss will reverse that!  Plus my cholesterol and liver all look good. Small victories!

Next step: meet with the nutritionist on Monday and follow up with the nutritionist in four weeks.  Here we go!

I’m honestly really terrified of failing in the long run.  I’ve never been successful at losing a significant amount of weight.  What if I go through all of this for nothing in the end?  What if, what if, what if? Thankfully I have great friends who remind me that I’ve been successful at just about everything I’ve set my mind to.  My mind is set on making this work. 

I wasn’t at all near a point where I was emotionally strong enough to have weight loss surgery before.  I’ve been putting in a lot of work toward healing my inner self over the last few years (and will continue to).  I feel like this is the time.

I’m  already making changes in my life that will help me succeed.  Eating less.  Gave up soda last Friday.  Of course, there’s continued therapy. I’m also going to join the surgery center’s support groups before surgery so I can really start tackling my issues with food now. 

Like all of the other big events in my life over the last few years (like the Bar Exam and my first big trial next week), mental state is key.  If I can get in the right head space before surgery, I will be that much better off afterwards. 

If I can make it through all that I have before now, I can do this.

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