Tag Archives: relationships

Up Swing

Things with the bestie are back to normal (thank God).  Life gets weird sometimes and then it comes back around to a good place, that’s just the way it works.  Since surgery, I’ve been dealing with some shit emotionally and it got in the way.  She’s been dealing with shit emotionally and it got in the way too.  Life.  Now if only the both of us and her kids could stop being sick so we can get back to our regularly scheduled chick dates, that’d be pretty awesome.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about being the “other woman.”  I have a hard time even saying or feeling like I was the “other woman,” because we weren’t together really (just a couple weeks before hearing from his girlfriend, we had settled on being best friends with benefits).  He was okay with me having someone on the side, I was okay with him having someone on the side.  Of course, being completely HONEST about it was also part of that arrangement (even though it was scary, I was honest about my dating other people while he kept me in the dark).

Since we did do things that would not have happened if I had known he had a girlfriend who was not okay with an open relationship, though, yeah I guess I’m the “other woman.”  What do I even do with that?  Oh I know, give it back to him, because it’s not my fault.

When anything remotely similar has happened like before, I’ve kicked the guy to the curb immediately.  My intentions were different in those relationships, though; and I was not open to being anything but the only one.

I was REALLY close to kicking this one to the curb just like the others, but the friendship I value more than anything with him makes me want to hang on.  Yes he lied.  Yes he hurt my feelings.  Yes he’s broken my trust in many ways.  But sometimes friends do really awful things to us and we still forgive them and refuse to let the friendship go because we’re all human and we all make big dumb ass mistakes from time to time.   I know I have, and my friends still love me anyways.

I had, and continue to have, confusing romantic feelings for him.  Our chemistry is undeniable and always has been, but his immaturity is so clear now.  That immaturity got him into this situation.  That immaturity is keeping him from really doing what he needs to do to get himself out of the dog house (at least with me).  As I keep seeing glimpses of how his immaturity caused this and is playing out since, the romantic feelings I had seem to be waning.  I don’t have the time or the energy to waste trying to help someone grow up anymore, especially if they’re not willing to put in the effort too.  My life is moving forward, with or without him.

The scale is torturing me again.  I’m hovering around 302, 303, 301 and cannot get my ass to #twoderland!  We got a storm that came through last weekend, I had a crazy busy week, and now I’m sick, so I haven’t been walking since my 3 mi. hike out at Red Rock last Friday (to celebrate being -105lbs!).

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With stalls courtesy of a lack of regular exercise, it’s looking like the next 100 lbs is going to be the real challenge, my dears.   At least I know I’m up for it!

Surgery is slowly but surely teaching me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I really hoped that this journey would be transformative not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well; and it is.  I am seeing my worth in a whole different way, from inside.  I am not seeking (as much) validation and approval from outside sources, where it has never been (and never will be) fulfilling.  I am holding my head up high.  I am looking people in the eyes.  I am smiling more.  I am becoming the me that I knew I was and could be.  It’s really quite incredible!

Business is going well, got an article in a local lawyer magazine, and I’m getting some really amazing referrals from the best places.  The next couple of months are going to be really fun too, because I’m going to be back on the radio and am starting a monthly segment on a business show on 4/4/16 (updates will be coming via my law firm Facebook page)!  Life is good!

Have a lovely weekend, friends!

Wait, What?!

I was not at all expecting today to go as it has.  Not one bit of it.  I wish I could make this stuff up (I’m just not that good)…

I’ve written a few times about this guy I’ve been seeing on and off for quite a while.  We met on OkCupid about six years ago and dated for maybe six months or so initially.  Things got really intense really fast (we have always had a strong connection, emotionally and physically), then I got some weird medical news that sent me reeling, and I took out my fears on him and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.   I regretted it and I regretted how I treated him, because I liked him a whole lot.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I ran across his profile again.  I took a chance, reached out, and we quickly fell back into our old feelings.  We talked almost daily after that.

The first year after we started talking again it was a struggle to see him, a struggle to meet up.  I felt like a lot of that was me, though.  I was still processing my breakdown, still feeling pretty new in recovery from my childhood trauma, and had a hard time being social at all.  He expressed an understanding that not many in my life have and he was always there when I needed someone to talk to.  There was a point about a year ago that I wasn’t sure if I could continue on with the relationship because we were seeing each other so little, but we had a serious talk about it and he promised me that we would see more of each other.  He lived up to his word and in this last year we started hanging out more and more.

Our chemistry continued to be electric, just like it was when we started dating six years ago.  We talked about anything and everything under the sun and he was patient and kind and gentle about all of it.  I told him about my break down and he didn’t judge me.  I told him about my childhood and my ongoing tumultuous parental relationships and he didn’t judge me.  I told him about my (sometimes day-to-day) struggles with trust and anxiety and depression and he didn’t judge me.  He has been my rock as I’ve spread my entrepreneurial wings and especially supportive since I started this weight loss surgery journey last year.  He stayed at my house to help me when no one else would/could the week after surgery, he has patiently and gently walked me through my many minor meltdowns figuring out how to eat, and he has encouraged and motivated me as I recently started getting my exercise on too.  Honestly, I don’t know if I could have made it to this point without his support.

It’s no wonder that I fell in love.  How could I not, right?  It was sometimes a very confusing love, but it was love.  It was a love that was growing, and quickly, the more we got to see each other.  I’m not sure that our relationship would always have been romantic and physical as it has been so far, but he and I both talked all the time (yesterday, included) about how we felt like we had a lifelong connection.  It was a love that I hoped, no matter what would happen, we could continue to grow in.  At least until today.

I woke up today full of hope about a busy week, but not long after I opened my eyes and started to prepare for my day, I got a text from his girlfriend.  The girlfriend that he’s been with for the last two years.  The girlfriend he lives with.  Wait, what?!  My hopes and dreams about this relationship came crashing down around me in an instant.

So many thoughts about this man have passed through my brain over the last six years, but never once did I imagine that this kind of lie would be the end of us.  I don’t know that I could have, he had me so snowed.  Hindsight being what it is, there are plenty of things that seem crystal clear now of course, but at the time I had no inkling of what was to come; none whatsoever. I’ve been walking around feeling like I got punched in the gut all day.

I wish I could say that this is the first time that a man chose me as his other woman without letting me in on the secret, but it’s not (normally I find out much sooner, though).  I wish I could say that I felt like it was all their fault, but I don’t.  I mean, I’m the only common element. I can’t help but feel that there’s something inherently wrong with me or, at the very least, my ability to choose a good partner.  I have read plenty of articles about those who have suffered childhood trauma have poor relationship skills in adulthood, after all.  It seems that I’m no exception to the rule.

I am proud of how I handled my emotions today.  Though incredibly difficult, I let myself feel them (can’t eat them away anymore).  I cried a messy cry.  I reached out to all my girlfriends to tell them how much of an asshole he is.  I went on a walk, blasted the Cranberries and moved my body with real purpose (I almost didn’t, because walking reminded me of him too).  I did some work, then had a break.  I did more work and now I’m here.  I’m sad.  Beyond sad.  But I am moving forward.  Looking backwards is not an option for me.

My real fear is being alone forever, being rejected yet again (and again and again).  I want companionship, I want love, I want it all (except maybe kids).  I just don’t know how to get it and keep it.

Thank goodness for therapy this week.

Setting Boundaries

This text to her is why I haven’t been posting the last couple weeks.  This text turned her into an ice queen like I haven’t seen in years.  This text made her decide she wanted to withhold her love again. 

This text:

I think we need to reestablish some healthy boundaries. Please be careful in the future about trying to take credit for my success or capabilities at work. I made all the sacrifice to get where I am today. I took it very personal and took great offense when you tried to make that about you. To be honest, I don’t feel at all like you taught me to argue. Quite the opposite, I never felt like I had a voice in our house. I didn’t have a voice. Being a lawyer is one of my ways to reclaim that and I cannot let you take any part of it from me. Things have gone kind of sour between us recently and I’d like to continue to work on it, but you have to keep working on it too. I like to call and give you fun news about work, but I can’t keep doing that if that happens again.

I’m not sorry about it. What I had originally written was scathing (I was pretty pissed originally, just look here). It took me four days to tame it down to a point I felt like I could send it.

Unfortunately, her reaction added a layer of stress to my life that I really just did not need right now.  Her reaction made me question why I still try.  Her reaction triggered a flashback from when she would threaten to cut off my fingers in the kitchen or burn me with her cigarettes.  Her reaction has nothing to do with me, but her reaction still deeply affects me.

I have to rise above this again. I have to keep being the bigger person.  I have to grow.  I have to do all these things to make this relationship work and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of putting myself out there.  I’m tired. I’m sad.  I’m hurting.  I have tried everything I can think of.

Honestly, she’s lucky I even speak to her. She’s lucky I’m in her life at all, after everything. I’ve given her chance after chance.  I’m done.  I’m getting off of the rollercoaster. I can’t let myself slip into the sick cycle again. Not now; not ever.   I owe myself more than that. 

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You Don’t Get Any Credit

I had a fantastic morning in Court, winning one of the biggest motions I’ve argued to date in my lawyer life.  I was nervous, like I usually am before a big hearing, but I pulled myself together. Never let them see you sweat! I felt like my voice was shaking a bit, but I managed to artfully convince the Judge that he made a mistake and should reconsider his prior order!  I’m sorry if that doesn’t make a ton of sense, my dear readers, just trust me when I say it’s kind of a big deal.

I can’t begin to explain the adrenaline rush I get from being in Court and walking out victorious. It’s purely and absolutely intoxicating (especially on a hard case like today)!  While it’s not for everyone, I love my career.

Unfortunately, I dont really have anyone to celebrate these successes with. So since we’ve started talking more regularly lately, I have begun relying on her to fill that role in my life again.  Big mistake. 

She had the balls to tell me tonight, “Of course you’re a good arguer, I taught you that.”  Let’s get something straight real quick. She did not teach me to argue. If I wasn’t complying, I was at risk for harm. She beat all of the argument out of me. She made damn sure that I had no voice growing up.  Becoming a lawyer has been one way for me to try to reclaim my voice despite my circumstances.

It has not been an easy road to get here either. I have worked my ass off to create moments like today.

I’m the only person in my family who has a doctoral degree (and only one of a few with a bachelor’s), so there was no blueprint laid out for me; I had to figure it out on my own.  I had no financial support of any kind, but still found a way to put myself through school all on my own.  I worked at law firms during the day while going to school at night to get experience in the field and a foot in the door.  I started at the very bottom of the law firm totem pole and worked my way up over more than a decade to become the respected, competent, likeable, all around good lawyer I am today.  I have suffered through several incredibly egotistical and abusive bosses knowing it would eventually propel me forward. I have fought tooth and nail to prove myself time and time again because my pedigree isn’t Ivy League.  I have sacrificed love, friends, my mind, my health, and plenty of valuable life experiences to make it where I am today.  I did all of this; no one else.  

So yeah, I absolutely hate that she tried to take any kind of credit for me being successful at my career.  She’s done it before too. You know what, though?  Fuck that shit.  She doesn’t get to take credit for all of my hard work.  Besides birthing me, forcing me to watch law shows (that actually just showed me how lawyers often have more power than law enforcement), helping me get my first job in a law office, and giving me some general encouragement along the way, she had no role in this. This is not her success.

She has taken so much from me.  She can’t have this too. She can’t. I refuse to let her.

Damnit. Why do I insist on sharing with her in the first place? I am consistently disappointed in myself and her afterwards. For some reason, I still crave her approval and affection despite everything.  It makes me feel so weak and pathetic.  Is it so much to want a parental figure who supports you for exactly who you are, not how you make them feel about themselves? Is it too much?

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Affection Affective

Interesting that one person’s touch and affection can be incredibly soothing, comforting, and make you feel safe while another’s is repulsive, makes your skin crawl, and your stomach turn.

Saw my parents tonight and both tried their hand at affection.  I never shy away from a hug or cuddle from my dad.  My mom, on the other hand, I try to avoid except for a pleasant hug before I leave.

If you’ve dug into my blog at all, you know exactly why I feel the way I do about my mom.  So when she tried to rub my neck and I stiffened up, it’d make sense to you. Thankfully, she quickly stopped.  When my dad was stroking my hair, though, he put me at ease and made me want to fall asleep.  I could have stayed that way for hours.

Honestly, I think my mom was jealous because I was responding favorably to my dad; she wanted to get in on it.  Not only do I find her repugnant as a human being, it’s too little too late, and it feels fake as hell. 

You don’t get to abuse me unmercifully, not apologize or own up to your bullshit,  continue to insult and shame me to this day, and then get my love returned. That’s not how this works anymore.  I spent most of my life being forced to love you without condition, forced to lift you up, forced to be your emotional lover, to the point that there was nothing left of me.  Not anymore. I won’t ever let you into my inner circle again.  Never.  I wish it weren’t so, but it’s your own damn fault, not mine. 

So, yeah.

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Family Dinner

Visits with my parents are always difficult.  I never know how she will be. She was in rare form last night.  In a poor boundaries, being nasty, aggressive and passive aggressive,  cold shoulder, my house my rules,  poison tongue kind of way that only she is capable of. 

Since I’ve been talking more with her, she’s gotten more comfortable and is slipping right back into old habits. The highly inappropriate call on Valentine’s Day to tell me what I should be doing to celebrate being single.  Last night’s foray into the mother of my youth.

I didn’t let it ruin time with my dad. We were able to have a few private conversations like we started doing after I became an adult.  And, despite being in pain from diabetic neuropathy in his legs and feet,  he walked me out to my car like he always does.

Despite her, it was a pretty decent visit overall.  That’s progress.

Do Dads?

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#PaperRose. It says, “Be Kind and Gentle.”

Do Dads take their daughters to dances?

Or on dates for their birthdays?

The one time my dad took me on a date, I thought I would die from the awkwardness.

I most loved listening to music with my dad, watching him shave, hearing him pick up the saxophone once every few years, when he’d clean his gun or fix something. 

I secretly appreciated when he pulled me over in his police car on the way to school to tell me my car needed an alignment.

I also appreciated how he would park his police car at the church across the street after school let out. Not always,  but enough for me to know he was right around the corner if I needed him.

I love that as I’ve grown, he walks me out to my car to say goodbye.  Every single time.

He has made plenty of his own mistakes,  for sure. Many of which I’m still angry and hurt by.  However, he kept his promise when he said he’d never hit me again.  And he has spent quite a lot of my life making up for it in the best ways he knows how.