Tag Archives: obesity

Up Swing

Things with the bestie are back to normal (thank God).  Life gets weird sometimes and then it comes back around to a good place, that’s just the way it works.  Since surgery, I’ve been dealing with some shit emotionally and it got in the way.  She’s been dealing with shit emotionally and it got in the way too.  Life.  Now if only the both of us and her kids could stop being sick so we can get back to our regularly scheduled chick dates, that’d be pretty awesome.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about being the “other woman.”  I have a hard time even saying or feeling like I was the “other woman,” because we weren’t together really (just a couple weeks before hearing from his girlfriend, we had settled on being best friends with benefits).  He was okay with me having someone on the side, I was okay with him having someone on the side.  Of course, being completely HONEST about it was also part of that arrangement (even though it was scary, I was honest about my dating other people while he kept me in the dark).

Since we did do things that would not have happened if I had known he had a girlfriend who was not okay with an open relationship, though, yeah I guess I’m the “other woman.”  What do I even do with that?  Oh I know, give it back to him, because it’s not my fault.

When anything remotely similar has happened like before, I’ve kicked the guy to the curb immediately.  My intentions were different in those relationships, though; and I was not open to being anything but the only one.

I was REALLY close to kicking this one to the curb just like the others, but the friendship I value more than anything with him makes me want to hang on.  Yes he lied.  Yes he hurt my feelings.  Yes he’s broken my trust in many ways.  But sometimes friends do really awful things to us and we still forgive them and refuse to let the friendship go because we’re all human and we all make big dumb ass mistakes from time to time.   I know I have, and my friends still love me anyways.

I had, and continue to have, confusing romantic feelings for him.  Our chemistry is undeniable and always has been, but his immaturity is so clear now.  That immaturity got him into this situation.  That immaturity is keeping him from really doing what he needs to do to get himself out of the dog house (at least with me).  As I keep seeing glimpses of how his immaturity caused this and is playing out since, the romantic feelings I had seem to be waning.  I don’t have the time or the energy to waste trying to help someone grow up anymore, especially if they’re not willing to put in the effort too.  My life is moving forward, with or without him.

The scale is torturing me again.  I’m hovering around 302, 303, 301 and cannot get my ass to #twoderland!  We got a storm that came through last weekend, I had a crazy busy week, and now I’m sick, so I haven’t been walking since my 3 mi. hike out at Red Rock last Friday (to celebrate being -105lbs!).

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With stalls courtesy of a lack of regular exercise, it’s looking like the next 100 lbs is going to be the real challenge, my dears.   At least I know I’m up for it!

Surgery is slowly but surely teaching me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I really hoped that this journey would be transformative not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well; and it is.  I am seeing my worth in a whole different way, from inside.  I am not seeking (as much) validation and approval from outside sources, where it has never been (and never will be) fulfilling.  I am holding my head up high.  I am looking people in the eyes.  I am smiling more.  I am becoming the me that I knew I was and could be.  It’s really quite incredible!

Business is going well, got an article in a local lawyer magazine, and I’m getting some really amazing referrals from the best places.  The next couple of months are going to be really fun too, because I’m going to be back on the radio and am starting a monthly segment on a business show on 4/4/16 (updates will be coming via my law firm Facebook page)!  Life is good!

Have a lovely weekend, friends!

Food!

I’ve had writers block lately.  I get into this mindset where I desperately want to write something you all actually give a shit to read. I want to stand out as something special to you, to the world, to myself. As more people pass through, follow, comment and like, the harder it becomes to live up to my expectations for that.  In other words, I have forgotten why I started blogging in the first place: for me; for my sanity; for the lonely girl, woman, man or person out there who might chance upon this blog and finally feel they’re not alone.  Writing for the masses is not why I started writing. So, no offense, but I have to forget about all of you.

I have been trying to continue to be patient about surgery, but it’s not easy. Patience has never really been a virtue of mine, unfortunately; when I want something, I go for it and I want results now. And boy do I want to have this surgery like nobody’s business. I want nothing more than to shed this fat suit. I want to do all the things my weight has been keeping me from. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be beautiful.

I have also been working very hard to get into the right mindset for surgery. No, its not about my jean size. I’ve been tackling my food issues in earnest, and it’s so hard. Eating less, being more mindful about what I eat, when I eat, how I eat, and the hardest of all: why I eat.

Why do I eat?

I eat for a lot of reasons. I eat because I was forced to. I eat for comfort. I eat because it makes me feel something other than the crushing sadness and anger deep in my soul. Well, I used to think eating made me feel good, but that’s not true anymore. Eating does make me feel good in the moment, when my seratonin levels are raging. When I overdo it, though, I feel like shit; I feel guilty, gross, gargantuan. It was this sick self fulfilling prophecy that I used to engage in more than I care to admit.

Eating better, eating less, eating slowly, eating to live rather than living to eat is what makes me feel really good, now. Some days I fall right back into old habits, but those days are fewer and getting farther between. It’s a struggle, but I’m making noticeable progress. I’m down a solid 18 lbs. now, but more importantly I’m feeling like I’m developing a healthier relationship with food.

I have to keep working. Daily. I also have to keep waiting.

Although the gal who did my psych eval said I passed, it apparently takes a week to tell the surgery center that. That week was up this past Wednesday, which means I should be seeing the surgeon any second right? Wrong. Everyone who could possibly approve my chart for surgical consult is apparently on vacation until Monday, which means that surgery probably won’t be until September. Or, it’ll be at a time in August when my friends are all gone and I’ll be alone through the worst of recovery. Trying to still be patient and have faith that God won’t give me a surgery date that will leave me vulnerable and without a support network.

On another note, I almost told my parents about surgery yesterday. It’s becoming more complicated not to. Or maybe I’m just so comfortable with the idea now, I’m not that worried about letting them know. Or is it that I’m feeling more careless? I don’t know. Either way, I didn’t do it. I’m still not quite ready, but I hate hiding things. I hate being silent, but these are the people that made me hate the need for hiding things in the first place. I dunno. I’m still confused by this part, obviously.

So, we wait.

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Shit Is Getting Real

After seeing the nutritionist for my last medically supervised diet appointment with him on Wednesday (one more with the dietician on July 1, then it’s on to the surgeon!), I decided I had to get into my PCP to get my pre-op tests ordered yesterday. EKG,  chest x-ray, blood work (plus clearance letter and progress notes) and then I’m ready to sit down with the man who will slice me open, take most of my stomach out, and change my life forever. What?!

I thought my PCP would just give me referrals for everything and I’d be on my way, free to plan it all out for next week. Nope! Having the EKG at his office, right then and there, was totally unexpected. I’ve never had one. I didn’t know he’d even be able to do one in his office. And it turns out that it was not a good day to wear a dress. Since I couldn’t just take a top off, I was down to nothing but my underwear in the exam room (couldn’t even keep my sport tank on). My boobs were flailing, my rolls were all over the damn place, and I was sweating just enough for that godforsaken crinkly shit on the table to get stuck all up on my back and my butt and the back of my legs (it was 108 degrees out yesterday, dont judge).

Awkward.

I was surprisingly not self conscious, though. As I laid there on the table, getting wires taped to every extremity and right under my left boob, I kinda had to laugh. I’m sure this is not the last time I’m going to be all boobs and rolls and butt hanging out in all my fatty mcfatterson glory on this journey. Might as well get used to it, right?

With my EKG done and my clothes back on, my PCP came in and we chatted a bit about law school and being a lawyer, since he’s trying to help persuade his step daughter to go. He’s been all for WLS for a while now, but always in a gentle way that made it up to me no matter what. I think being able to have those non-judgmental conversations with a trusted physician really helped me move forward (among so many other things) on this journey. Anyway, before he gave me my referrals, he was really sweet and said that I’m going to have to fight the guys off once I’m down my 100 lbs. I reminded him I needed to lose a lot more than that, and he said it didn’t matter. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks a huge part of this is about my physical appearance for me.  That’s really not even the half of it; this is as much a spiritual and emotional awakening for me as it is a physical one. Anyway, it was a nice compliment and I took it. :)

He suggested we could have everything together by Tuesday if I got my chest x-ray and labs done this weekend, so hell yeah I tore my ass over to the nearest radiology place to get this shit done. Chest x-ray, check! Labs this morning (fasting and all), and I’m on my way.

Like usual with all things WLS, I’m super excited at first. Pumped. Ready to go. Then I get nervous as shit and my anxiety goes crazy. Because I freeze and shut down when my anxiety is triggered, I went right back to my comfort (though it’s none of that word anymore) last night and almost sat down and ate enough for four people to push the feelings away. “Fuck it,” I thought.  The audacity! Actually, I may have said that out loud, if I’m being honest. Oops. Thank God for a #wls instagrammer posting something that legit snapped me out of my food stupor.  But then I was left with the feelings. Suck.

Having these tests means this is really going to happen. This is it. I’m afraid of the tests themselves, because I’m worried they’ll find something awful that’ll be devastating to me, or hold up my surgery. Anxiety.

I feel like shit and worry because my support system is wonky. I don’t have a boyfriend or husband I know will be there by my side. The people I should be able to rely on for medical things like this (my parents) I can’t even bring myself to tell. I’m having to rely on my friends, imposing myself upon them and their families in order to get through this and that is fucking hard. I feel so guilty, so unworthy of the love and generosity they’re all showing me. This is next level vulnerability for me, relying on people to uproot a portion of their lives just for me and my bullshit. I have to get used to it, though, because it’s the only way I’m going to make it through.

Ugh. Brain, stop thinking!  Shower time, time to get poked. In the arm. Pervert. Have a great day :)

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Late Night Eating Woes

I had another bad moment last night.  It was not, by any means, as bad as Wednesday night, and it was probably better than Friday night’s overeating, but still.  During the day I’m fine.  It doesn’t bother me to eat small portions and sometimes I even have to remind myself to eat at all.  At night, though. Ugh. Some nights I’m just ravenous and feel like I can’t help but stuff food in my face when I sit down for dinner. 

Has anyone else struggled with overeating only at night?

I know I do most of my thinking about life at night, so the emotions and anxiety get worked up.  Maybe that’s it?  Is it because I’m tired and my willpower goes out the window? Maybe I’m not getting the right stuff during the day so I’m hangry and overeat? Maybe it was because I cleared my kitchen of all the crap yesterday and my addiction was upset? I’m not sure, but its annoying.

I had the best of intentions last night, too. *sigh* It makes me feel like such an idiot that I can’t get this under control.  I am already improving in ways, I can see and feel it.  But this is a problem and I have to figure it out. How am I ever going to be successful with WLS if I don’t?! 

Thoughts?

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GoPicnic and Crockpots – WLS Eating

I had another bad eating night this week (only 2, so that’s really not too bad).  Stress and exhaustion got to me and I had a hardcore binge. *sigh*  I’ve been trying very hard to forgive myself when I fall, so I can keeping moving forward every day on this journey, even if only a small step.

On a brighter note, these bad boys are going to be a godsend pre- and post-op!

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Delicious, gluten free, vegetarian, non-gmo, healthy, appropriately portioned little meals! Protein ranges from 5g – 18g (I think), so some decent options there too. Everything is individually wrapped, so you can eat one thing and finish the rest later!

Plus, it’s kind of fun to imagine being on a picnic every day! 😄

On another note, when your dietician says buy a crockpot, you buy a crockpot.  Never used one before in my life.  Should be interesting!

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Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Having A Moment

It was a bad food day. Started with the best of intentions.  Fruit and a skinny caramel macchiato.  Then had to scarf lunch mid day – a Bobbie from Capriotti’s.  Not terrible. 

Then protein shake sampling time – yay Amazon!  (Btw, iso100 #teampurple is better in my humble (and dietician’s) opinion). 

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Then pigged out.  Pizza. Big chef salad. Dessert.  Ugh. 

What if I still have this insatiable appetite after surgery? Chronic anxiety and weight loss surgery. Will I ever pass the psych eval? I will, but when that bitch anxiety gets going, she tears everything down.  All your successes are failures.  You are a failure.

This may end up being even harder than I could have anticipated.  It’ll be worth it in the long run, and I’m not stopping.  But still.  

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Mental Cool Down

Today has been a busy day.  One of several this coming week. *sigh* While I need to get some sleep, my anxiety and excitement are going crazy, so here I am to tell you all that’s on my mind.  Thanks for listening.

Had a lazy Sunday morning (the best, right?), jumped in on #SundayBlogShare with Suzie81 Speaks for a minute (it’s fun, you should try!).  Then, caught up with  friends on Facebook and 💜ed away on Instagram while a movie and a few guilty pleasure shows from the last week play in the background (e.g, all of the Little Women shows on Lifetime). Got in my water for the day (gave up soda a week ago last Friday), had leftover pizza and dessert (yeah, I’m getting it in while I can, so shoot me). After lunch, it’s off to work. 

Work on Sunday – boo! But, my first solo trial starts on Wednesday (eek!) and so time with the clients and the quiet time after to focus was really great. I’m still nervous (and a bit excited too, I can’t lie), but I feel more prepared than I did yesterday.  That’s a fantastic feeling, let me tell you.

Adding to my nerves and excitement, though, is my apointment with the dietician tomorrow!  I have absolutely no idea what to really expect.  Again.  I’m just trying to go with the flow.  With that said, what the heck was I thinking making the nutritionist appointment a day and a half before trial started?!  I think I just really wanted to get it going. It was a month between the seminar and the nutritionist, after all. I didn’t want to wait!

Still, I should know better.  Lol

I have to say, when it gets super busy like this at work, I really worry that weight loss surgery isn’t right for me right now.  How will I ever prep prep prep?  How will I exercise faithfully? How will I possibly manage my anxiety and depression as I work through what I’m sure is going to be a rollercoaster? Oh, and still function at work? I’m so terrified of failing in the long run.  I know I’ve been successful at lots of things I’ve set my mind to, but not this.  Never this.  It’s scary to think that I’ll go through all this and fail again. 

I mean, I can hardly remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. But then I remember that I’ve got a couple of months (at least, I hope) without something really big like trial after this week is over (thank you baby Jesus!), and I stop worrying so damn much.  I’ll have time to focus on making changes before surgery, on working through this process.  Or I’ll make time.  This is important and will be a priority.

All I do know is I’m pretty at peace with the decision to go for surgery, despite all that.  It finally feels like the right time. 

Oh, today I also found a few cool, friendly people on Instagram and Twitter who are sharing their weight loss surgery pictures and journies! It’s super inspiring and gets me excited to see what my results and stuff will be! I hope I can do well. :)

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