Tag Archives: friendship

Up Swing

Things with the bestie are back to normal (thank God).  Life gets weird sometimes and then it comes back around to a good place, that’s just the way it works.  Since surgery, I’ve been dealing with some shit emotionally and it got in the way.  She’s been dealing with shit emotionally and it got in the way too.  Life.  Now if only the both of us and her kids could stop being sick so we can get back to our regularly scheduled chick dates, that’d be pretty awesome.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about being the “other woman.”  I have a hard time even saying or feeling like I was the “other woman,” because we weren’t together really (just a couple weeks before hearing from his girlfriend, we had settled on being best friends with benefits).  He was okay with me having someone on the side, I was okay with him having someone on the side.  Of course, being completely HONEST about it was also part of that arrangement (even though it was scary, I was honest about my dating other people while he kept me in the dark).

Since we did do things that would not have happened if I had known he had a girlfriend who was not okay with an open relationship, though, yeah I guess I’m the “other woman.”  What do I even do with that?  Oh I know, give it back to him, because it’s not my fault.

When anything remotely similar has happened like before, I’ve kicked the guy to the curb immediately.  My intentions were different in those relationships, though; and I was not open to being anything but the only one.

I was REALLY close to kicking this one to the curb just like the others, but the friendship I value more than anything with him makes me want to hang on.  Yes he lied.  Yes he hurt my feelings.  Yes he’s broken my trust in many ways.  But sometimes friends do really awful things to us and we still forgive them and refuse to let the friendship go because we’re all human and we all make big dumb ass mistakes from time to time.   I know I have, and my friends still love me anyways.

I had, and continue to have, confusing romantic feelings for him.  Our chemistry is undeniable and always has been, but his immaturity is so clear now.  That immaturity got him into this situation.  That immaturity is keeping him from really doing what he needs to do to get himself out of the dog house (at least with me).  As I keep seeing glimpses of how his immaturity caused this and is playing out since, the romantic feelings I had seem to be waning.  I don’t have the time or the energy to waste trying to help someone grow up anymore, especially if they’re not willing to put in the effort too.  My life is moving forward, with or without him.

The scale is torturing me again.  I’m hovering around 302, 303, 301 and cannot get my ass to #twoderland!  We got a storm that came through last weekend, I had a crazy busy week, and now I’m sick, so I haven’t been walking since my 3 mi. hike out at Red Rock last Friday (to celebrate being -105lbs!).

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With stalls courtesy of a lack of regular exercise, it’s looking like the next 100 lbs is going to be the real challenge, my dears.   At least I know I’m up for it!

Surgery is slowly but surely teaching me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I really hoped that this journey would be transformative not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well; and it is.  I am seeing my worth in a whole different way, from inside.  I am not seeking (as much) validation and approval from outside sources, where it has never been (and never will be) fulfilling.  I am holding my head up high.  I am looking people in the eyes.  I am smiling more.  I am becoming the me that I knew I was and could be.  It’s really quite incredible!

Business is going well, got an article in a local lawyer magazine, and I’m getting some really amazing referrals from the best places.  The next couple of months are going to be really fun too, because I’m going to be back on the radio and am starting a monthly segment on a business show on 4/4/16 (updates will be coming via my law firm Facebook page)!  Life is good!

Have a lovely weekend, friends!

Wait, What?!

I was not at all expecting today to go as it has.  Not one bit of it.  I wish I could make this stuff up (I’m just not that good)…

I’ve written a few times about this guy I’ve been seeing on and off for quite a while.  We met on OkCupid about six years ago and dated for maybe six months or so initially.  Things got really intense really fast (we have always had a strong connection, emotionally and physically), then I got some weird medical news that sent me reeling, and I took out my fears on him and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.   I regretted it and I regretted how I treated him, because I liked him a whole lot.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I ran across his profile again.  I took a chance, reached out, and we quickly fell back into our old feelings.  We talked almost daily after that.

The first year after we started talking again it was a struggle to see him, a struggle to meet up.  I felt like a lot of that was me, though.  I was still processing my breakdown, still feeling pretty new in recovery from my childhood trauma, and had a hard time being social at all.  He expressed an understanding that not many in my life have and he was always there when I needed someone to talk to.  There was a point about a year ago that I wasn’t sure if I could continue on with the relationship because we were seeing each other so little, but we had a serious talk about it and he promised me that we would see more of each other.  He lived up to his word and in this last year we started hanging out more and more.

Our chemistry continued to be electric, just like it was when we started dating six years ago.  We talked about anything and everything under the sun and he was patient and kind and gentle about all of it.  I told him about my break down and he didn’t judge me.  I told him about my childhood and my ongoing tumultuous parental relationships and he didn’t judge me.  I told him about my (sometimes day-to-day) struggles with trust and anxiety and depression and he didn’t judge me.  He has been my rock as I’ve spread my entrepreneurial wings and especially supportive since I started this weight loss surgery journey last year.  He stayed at my house to help me when no one else would/could the week after surgery, he has patiently and gently walked me through my many minor meltdowns figuring out how to eat, and he has encouraged and motivated me as I recently started getting my exercise on too.  Honestly, I don’t know if I could have made it to this point without his support.

It’s no wonder that I fell in love.  How could I not, right?  It was sometimes a very confusing love, but it was love.  It was a love that was growing, and quickly, the more we got to see each other.  I’m not sure that our relationship would always have been romantic and physical as it has been so far, but he and I both talked all the time (yesterday, included) about how we felt like we had a lifelong connection.  It was a love that I hoped, no matter what would happen, we could continue to grow in.  At least until today.

I woke up today full of hope about a busy week, but not long after I opened my eyes and started to prepare for my day, I got a text from his girlfriend.  The girlfriend that he’s been with for the last two years.  The girlfriend he lives with.  Wait, what?!  My hopes and dreams about this relationship came crashing down around me in an instant.

So many thoughts about this man have passed through my brain over the last six years, but never once did I imagine that this kind of lie would be the end of us.  I don’t know that I could have, he had me so snowed.  Hindsight being what it is, there are plenty of things that seem crystal clear now of course, but at the time I had no inkling of what was to come; none whatsoever. I’ve been walking around feeling like I got punched in the gut all day.

I wish I could say that this is the first time that a man chose me as his other woman without letting me in on the secret, but it’s not (normally I find out much sooner, though).  I wish I could say that I felt like it was all their fault, but I don’t.  I mean, I’m the only common element. I can’t help but feel that there’s something inherently wrong with me or, at the very least, my ability to choose a good partner.  I have read plenty of articles about those who have suffered childhood trauma have poor relationship skills in adulthood, after all.  It seems that I’m no exception to the rule.

I am proud of how I handled my emotions today.  Though incredibly difficult, I let myself feel them (can’t eat them away anymore).  I cried a messy cry.  I reached out to all my girlfriends to tell them how much of an asshole he is.  I went on a walk, blasted the Cranberries and moved my body with real purpose (I almost didn’t, because walking reminded me of him too).  I did some work, then had a break.  I did more work and now I’m here.  I’m sad.  Beyond sad.  But I am moving forward.  Looking backwards is not an option for me.

My real fear is being alone forever, being rejected yet again (and again and again).  I want companionship, I want love, I want it all (except maybe kids).  I just don’t know how to get it and keep it.

Thank goodness for therapy this week.

Holding Back

If I could have the conversation I want to have…

Before I begin, you know the gory details of what I have been through in my life and, while I know that you cannot REALLY relate (and I am glad for that), I wish you would try.  Please try to understand that when I say my heart breaks, I mean that it crumbles and bleeds and falls to the floor in agony; after all, it is pieced together with tape and Elmer’s glue as it is.  Please try to understand that when I say that I have fear, it registers in my brain and my body in just the same way as the gut wrenching fear registered when my mother snapped her gun belt before a beating; sharp and quick.  Please try to understand that when I say I love, I love selectively and deeply, into the marrow of my bones.

I have not meant to withhold my feelings and I am sorry that everything came out in a messy texted torrent yesterday, but I have been anguishing over our friendship for months.  Your news uncorked a shaken bottle of champagne.

I have seen a pattern in the way that you have been treating people, the very important and permanent people, in your life lately and it has made me examine my own role there too.  In the last year, and over the past few months especially, whenever one of them doesn’t serve some need within you, disagrees with you or your life choices, or has a difficult time coping with their lives and inarticulately comes to you needing support, you you spout about the incredible difficulties of your own life and the zero fucks you give and you turn them away.  It has seemed so easy for you to let them, to let your love for them, go.  Where do I, a mere friend, a temporary fixture of life, fit into that?  I haven’t been sure.

My heart has been breaking for you over your recent choices.  My heart has been breaking because you are knowingly setting yourself up for future heartbreak.  My heart has been breaking because your children will suffer their own heartbreak when you do.  My heart is breaking because they will take on your burdens and they will carry them for life, because that is what children do.  My heart has been breaking because my heart (and so many others) will break right along with yours when this house of cards crumbles around you.

I have feared that by expressing my concerns, you would reject me as you did them (and I was kinda right).  I have feared that our friendship is as disposable as those relationships appear to be to you.  I have these fears because of my own past, because of our past, and because you and your friendship mean so much to me.

I have felt a real void where the much needed presence of your friendship used to be.  I have needed you for some real nitty, gritty and unpretty lately, but you been aware of little but yourself.  I have needed your help surviving the surge in emotion, flashbacks, and hormones since surgery.  I have needed you when I regretted the decision.  I have needed you in my walk through the hurt of ending my relationship with my mother.  I have needed you, and you are a cheerleader when things are going well, but our textversations all seem to end when the topic turns toward anything of remotely difficult substance about me.  I have felt increasingly rejected and ignored by it, but I have presumed that it was only because you, too, were going through your own heartbreak and could not bear mine as well.

I have struggled with all of these feelings, but I was confident that they would pass as your fog lifted and you got back to your happy.

Then you tell me that you have been happy.  So, while I could understand and process your absence from my life because you are hurting, I could not (and cannot) fathom your absence because you are happy.  Is this our friendship?  Is this what it means to be your “best friend” now that you give zero fucks?  To be there to support you through your darkness, but only have you around when my life is comfortable for you?  Is my ability to be involved in your life contingent on my faking a smile?

I am happy that you feel happy, but I fear that it is a right now kind of happy.  I fear that you have been overtaken by the intensity and intoxication that right now happiness is made up of.  Right now happiness will deceive you (please don’t forget how it blinded you to a narcissistic monster just a year ago).  You let people in so freely and, while I admire that so much about you, I am afraid for the way that you appear to be chasing that right now happiness like a drug.  I fear it because an addiction to that right now happiness will destroy you like any other, my friend.  Like any drug, right now happiness can only fill the holes in your heart for so long before it leaves a wake of devastation in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, that right now happy can last for years.  You, however, deserve forever happiness.  My fear is that you are risking your forever happiness for temporary glee; and it breaks my heart.

What a Dump

I have to get some things off my chest and out of my mind.  Ive been bottling things up. Feeling depressed. I haven’t been able to create much lately.  I’m not sleeping well.  I’m sad, lonely, overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted.  I can’t keep it all in anymore.

My work-life balance has been way out of whack for weeks now.  March was incredibly busy, and April hasn’t let up. My boss is going to be out for another week, leaving me to run the show yet again (which I get to repeat in May and June – making it four months in a row).

Work consumes a majority of my life these days. I didn’t leave until just shy of 11 pm last night.  I’ll be working a good portion of this weekend.  I’ve got trial looming in the next couple weeks.     Plus I have to be this *person* at work, who clients vibe with and therefore want to pay, who knows her shit at all times, who has confidence even if she doesn’t feel it, who doesn’t make mistakes, miss deadlines, or fail to communicate regularly with clients.  It’s a lot, and it’s exhausting; especially with life’s curveballs.

I’ve continued on my quest to be more social, attending networking/community events with my growing circle of networking friends.  Yet I seem to feel more alone than ever. Case in point, I had some fun work news to share this week and no one answered my calls, no one responded by text. I had no one in my personal life to share it with.  It made me quite sad.  I wish I had more people I could call on (and I do mean actually call – texting leaves me unsatisfied and unfulfilled – hearing someone’s voice is so much better).

I think I’m still in shock and grieving over recent deaths in my corner of the universe too.  My first secretary, Shirley, suddenly died of liver cancer. Kara Tippets, who I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing personally, but was a spiritual inspiration in my life (I started going back to church while following her blog) recently passed away.  Of course, there has also been the news that my favorite high school teacher, a super hero in my life, is in hospice care.

My first experience with death as a young child (my Grandpa Andy’s funeral) left me extremely confused and scared.  When my great grandma died when I was 18, I had no skills and no support to work through it.  I haven’t had anyone in my life who could help me navigate my grief and I think I tend to revert back to that chilhood state in the face of death. 

I also haven’t really given myself a chance to process my feelings after seeing my best friend’s two year old have a seizure at a family barbeque a couple weekends ago.  As one of only three adults (of about 20 present) who didn’t completely freeze or break down, being the one to be on the phone with 911, wasn’t easy.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat, no question about that, because I love my friend and I adore her kids.  It was a bit traumatic, though. 

Watching a child go through all of that, being afraid for his life, watching as he was so confused and scared as he slowly came to, seeing the fear in his eyes as the doctors examined him all brought up feelings about my own childhood I didn’t know I had.  It reminded me of the story my mom tells about the seizure I had after I ran head first at full speed into the bathroom counter. Seeing my friend and her husband be so incredible for their baby made me wonder if I got the same kind of support when I needed it most.  My suspicions that I didn’t were realized when it came out in a talk with my mom about my friend’s kiddo that my parents didn’t even take me to the doctor after my seizure.  They didn’t even get me checked out.

Of course, my mom’s recent relapse into extremely poor boundaries and narcissism have triggered a storm of things inside me too. 

Last, but certainly not least, the universe is forcing me to wait a while before I get to take the next step towards the weight loss surgery.  I couldn’t get an appointment with the nutritionist until April 29.  It feels like a lifetime and the excitement I was feeling about this process has considerably waned because of it.   I’m trying not to be discouraged,  because honestly, it’s probably for the best.  Starting a diet right now?  Hah! But it’s still disappointing.

I wish I had better things to share.  More positivity to spread.  Light. Spirit.  Fun.  Something.  I feel like I’m back sliding emotionally.  Things were going so well and now I’m down in the funk again.  I need to get out. 

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Holding On So I’m Not Alone

And just like that, he does something that makes me give up.

Work and life have been crazy. Trying to get out and network more, lots of big firsts recently, bigger cases, new friends, therapy, writing, painting, back at church for the first time in, well really too long, just lots of things going on. My time is my livelihood. So when I set a date for a date night, I do my best to keep my schedule clear for it. I told people no, because I wanted to see him.

He forgot about me. Flaked on our date. I haven’t seen him in about 6 weeks again. I can’t keep doing this. I have been trying everything I can. He doesn’t value my time and refuses spontaneous dates pretty much 99.9% of the time. I’m pretty sure I’m worth more.

I feel in some ways he’s my last hope, though.

My other favorite is leaving after he gets out of the Air Force soon. He really makes me feel safe. It’s mostly physical, but there is genuine care for each other there. Im going to miss this one like crazy when he’s gone.

He’s so comfortable to be with. We have tried lots of fun things I’ll probably never try with anyone else. Things that require trust and patience and the right amount of tender aggression and release.

He swears we won’t stop texting when he’s gone. I actually believe that. He likes to travel, so I’m sure he’ll be back occasionally and I know we’ll be unable to resist each other.

Maybe I’m just not meant for one guy in the end. I certainly can’t seem to find everything I need (and want) in just one.

Flaunting The Chaos

A couple of months ago, she prophetically told me after a few drinks that she wanted the chaos that the loser ass dude has to offer her. Boy did she get it. There has to be a point when she comes to her senses, right?  Maybe not.

Rather than respect what seems clearly to be the end of her 10 year marriage,  she’s flaunting the chaos all over Facebook for the world (and worse, her husband) to see. It has been progressing almost daily.

She started with the coy posting of song lyrics that talk about new love and burning bridges and moving on to the new thing. 

Then came “helping” the chaotic one out while he’s unemployed by posting his artwork for sale. 

But the pictures, oh God, the pictures! Canoodling, her snuggled up to him looking intently at the lense with more dark eyeliner than I’ve ever seen her wear, him looking at her like a lost puppy full of love. She’s angry at him for posting those and points the finger at him. But she participated in taking it in the first place. So really, is she just mad that she got caught and someone called her out?

Most recently, just hours after her husband pulled his account down because he couldn’t stand seeing it anymore, the painting of what sure as shit looks like his hand and her hand in a heart. Spray paint stencil art, just like he does. Suspicious as fuck if you ask me. She swears it’s not the loser’s, but who the hell knows anymore.

Is this the end?

Feeling emotionally raw tonight. 

Things between my friend and her husband blew up again. Surprise surprise, the open marriage concept did not work here.  I knew it was only a matter of time,  really.  He’s left for the time being so they both can get some space.  I hope it helps.

The strain all of this has been putting on our friendship is nearing a breaking point. It makes me so sad and I feel like I’m going to be alone again. She and I have been through so much. From the highs of graduating law school and passing the Bar Exam together, to the lowest of lows as I lost my mind, we’ve done a hell of a lot.  I don’t want to lose her.

But I can only handle so much drama; especially as I work through childhood abuse and all the fun effects of that. So I’m faced with what feels like an impossible choice: pull away or die trying to make it work.  Okay that last bit was a little much, but you get what I mean.

As I walk this path of my life,  I need her support.  As she walks this path of her life, she also needs my support. It would be fantastic if we can walk the walk together.

I just hate to sit by and watch her throw away everything good in her life for this loser ass dude she cheated on her husband with. I can’t condone it. She is worth so much more than that. She deserves someone who makes her feel beautiful and loved and desired. She deserves someone dedicated to her. Someone who will work hard to provide for she and her family. This guy she’s “in love” with is not the answer. I hope she comes around and sees it too.