I have been slacking on my updates, but I have officially hit my one month surgiversary, so I had to get back to it!
I haven’t really known what to say or where to start the last few weeks. Life has been pretty overwhelming recently (on top of surgery, my parental issues continue, my best friend is getting a divorce, my brother and his family are now my roommates, and business is somewhat slow, putting a stressful strain on the finances) and I’ve been holding it all in. So, while I intend to end this post with the upside, most of what follows is me ranting and raving to get some shit out of my mind and into the ether so I can move on with my life.
You see, surgery has shoved me back into my hole, right back into my introversion and social avoidance, because I don’t know how else to cope. My anxiety and depression have been acting up… a lot. I feel awkward in my own skin, unsure of who I am. I am not practicing good self care. I’m in my own head waaay too much. I just don’t think I was prepared for these emotional setbacks. It’s been a tough month and a bit discouraging, I can’t lie.
Getting used to sleeved eating is a pain. Am I chewing enough? Was that bite too big? Is it going to hurt going down. Is it going to give me gas? Have I had enough? Did I eat too much? Will this make me nauseous? Am I drinking enough?
I eat pretty much the same thing every. single. freaking. day. Protein shake. Greek yogurt. Cheese stick wrapped in a couple slices of lunch meat. Jello/pudding. Sugar free popsicle. For two weeks now (because you can’t just buy a half cup of anything, so you have to make multiple batches), it’s been ricotta bake for dinner. And of course, water throughout the day (sometimes I do mix it up with my fancy crystal light, though). Bo. ring. I am a dull and cranky woman eating the same damn thing every day.
I can only stomach an ounce or two of protein, tops, at this point. If you didn’t know, having tuna salad three meals in a row and chicken sausage for five days straight (because you always have fucking tons of leftovers you don’t want to waste) will legitimately make you bonkers. Trust me on this one.
The most exciting food I have had since surgery has, for sure, been fideo soup (like a damn nectar from the Gods), a chicken fajita burrito, and refried beans (the chips and salsa they threw in my to-go bag hit the trash the second I got home). That burrito lasted me four days and it was the most glorious thing ever. Lol
Drinking enough fluid is challenging. I get busy working and, because I get in the zone, three or four hours go by with nothing. It’s bad. God how I miss being able to chug a huge glass of ice water whenever I get the urge! I was with my friend recently and she took a humongous swig from her water bottle and I almost died from envy. While I have almost mastered a bit of a tiny slow chug, that will probably be as close as I get from here on out and it makes me sad. Speaking of fluids, my skin has been dry and I don’t know if it’s just the usual cold weather dryness or dehydration coming on. I don’t know how to even really tell!
My stomach is constantly making gassy gurgling noises and it’s embarrassing. I was in therapy today and my stomach decided to steal the session, bubbling away the entire time. Gross.
Nausea comes at weird times. My medications (especially my anxiety and sleep meds) make me nauseous. These supposedly bariatric friendly multivitamins I got make me nauseous too. I haven’t allowed myself to throw up yet (too scared), but a couple 20 minute sessions desperately holding it back and I’m officially not taking vitamins or my medications like I’m supposed to anymore. Neither is good, I know (and certainly not helping my emotional state).
Not having food for comfort is taking some real adjusting. I’m considerably more bored without food and cocktails. I don’t have the entertainment, I don’t have the sweets, I don’t have those things I used to use to keep my spirits up when I was feeling low. I was a hardcore emotional eater, people (like, every emotion could be helped or enhanced with food); and now, despite still having all the same emotions, I can’t eat.
Dodging social and business functions based on food is getting dicey. Seems like EVERYTHING in life is centered on food! Friends who I used to dine with have fallen off the face of the planet. Not being sure how to tell a potential date that you want to meet, but don’t want to go to dinner or out for drinks, without having the courage to really explain why, is awkward. Having to turn down a client’s offer to buy you coffee AND go to lunch is just bad for business.
Food triggers and temptations are EVERYWHERE. With my brother here, my house is officially a temptation minefield. Candy, soda, pizza, twinkies, cupcakes, bagels, juice, fast food… everything I can’t/don’t want to eat or drink is all over the house now and it’s quickly making me crazy. Driving down the street, watching tv, feeling barraged by food and the resulting emotion, anxiety, and desperation is the new norm now. Fml for real.
Physical activity is nonexistant at the moment. I’m getting dizzy after a third of the walk I used to take. I’m trying to put together a bed frame for my niece the other day (not a difficult project, really) and I’m sweating my ass off and getting dizzy after 10 minutes. I want to add activity to get the maximum from this surgery, but getting dizzy or seeing stars when you try is not fun. Though my energy levels are freaking zapped since surgery, naps are impossible for some reason. It’s a perpetual cycle of exhaustion.
Oh, and weird development I’ve never seen anyone talk about… I feel like I get stinky way faster than I used to. My breath is funky and my teeth are filmy half way through the day. My deodorant is also suddenly not lasting like it used to. What the hell, man!
I really don’t want to seem ungrateful, because I’m not. I don’t want to be discouraging, because it’s not meant to be like that. But there have several been moments I have caught myself wondering why the hell I did this. I see all these incredibly happy people on the interwebs, raving about how amazing this surgery has been for their lives, how they’re working out, eating great, losing like champs, and I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I feel like admitting it’s not easy is some taboo thing that I have no right to be doing. Deep down I worry that my mother was right; maybe it wasn’t so swift to cut out my stomach.
I just want to get back to feeling like myself again. I was doing pretty well staying positive, staying motivated, getting shit done, and having a smile on my face while doing it. Now look at me. Back to my same old mess. Unable to carry a conversation. Lost in my muck. I gotta find my way out of this pit… again.
Btw, for the fuck head who told me this was the lazy way out before I had surgery… you can suck it. For real.
So, time for the some of the upside… I have lost 64 pounds total so far. I broke my first stall without losing my mind. I am down at least a dress size. My underwear are getting loose. My dresses feel longer. I’m starting to see my body changing. I no longer feel the staples in my new tiny tummy. My incisions are healing well (the itching tells me so lol). My ankles aren’t swelling. My hair seems to be holding on so far. And, most of all, I already made it through the first month!
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