Deliveries and Stalls

Well, my dad ended up coming over yesterday with my niece’s present.  It was awkward and I wish he’d have given me at least a little advance notice because I don’t like when people come over unannounced, but at least it’s done.  I never did reach out to my mom about what she I wanted to do about Christmas, but it looks like she had enough forethought to send my dad on their behalf.  Or she’s reading my blog – always a possibility.  Either way, had my mother showed up here unannounced it would have been even more unpleasant for everyone involved, so I’m really grateful that it happened the way that it did.

In other news, I’m officially stalled at 80 total pounds lost.  As I’m sure you can imagine, I have been totally not okay with the fact that the scale has been stuck.

When I reached out to my VSG friend Misty recently because I couldn’t take the scale obsessing anymore, she said something like “Yeah, it could be a rough couple weeks.” Womp womp womp. Lol  It’s really so great to have friends that will always keep it real with you during this process, though. While I’ve still been watching the scale, because I know this is just part of the process my perspective about the scale has shifted dramatically.  Rather than get bummed about the gains and give up and eat all the breads and go for ice cream (like I have wanted to do and would have done in a hot minute before surgery), I’m pushing forward and refocusing on what I’m putting in my mouth and when.

Besides, I only have myself to blame.  I totally jinxed myself into this stall on Instagram.  Oops.

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What was I thinking asking for a stall?!

Ah well. I really did have a great time that night and felt amazing.  After all, this journey is so much more about the number on the scale, right?  For me, it’s about nights like that night, feeling like myself, feeling happy, loving what I’m wearing (polka dots are my favorite), feeling and thinking about anything other than the crazy, negative, awful things that lie in the recesses of my brain.  This process is as much about experiencing life again and getting to know my true authentic self along the way as it is about losing weight and gaining health.

So, while I am frustrated about not losing pounds currently, I know that this too shall pass.  In the meantime, I continue to work on figuring myself out and living the life I was meant to live.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Come Back!

Last week was so good. I was really productive and felt really positive about things. The last couple days, all that positivity and productivity have vanished. I’m still getting things done, just not enough. Trying to be gentle with myself about it, but it’s difficult as usual.  Come back blissful positive vibes!

I have lots to be grateful for.

I have a full calendar at the moment and it’s a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, the blessing of abundance triggers my shame because the more successful I am, the less I feel like I deserve it, or brought it about on my own, or can maintain it, or can do it without screwing it up somehow. It’s backwards, and I know it is (because I have been plenty successful along the way and am more than capable), but it’s there. I’m working on it, and plan to bring it up in therapy when I go back (because I am going back). That’s all I can do.

The holidays always kind of get me down too, I guess. Having a complicated family dynamic will do that. This year, I have a feeling my mother and I expect different things about her dropping off my niece’s Christmas present. I don’t want to see her, I really don’t. Not on Christmas day. But my niece deserves a good Christmas. Why do I even struggle with these decisions? It’s my life and I’ve just got to decide what I want and live with it! Otherwise, I’m leaving it up to her and that never works out for me. Lol

Plus…

As long as I’m doing something to better myself and/or my business every day, then I’ve got nothing to be down on myself about.  Even if I’m not as productive, not as busy, not as whatever I wish I had been on any given day, I’m still making strides toward some things that are incredibly important to me – a happy and health mind and body and a successful business.

I said those words just a few days ago and I need to cement them in my grey matter. Today may not have been everything I had hoped, but it was a good day. 

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

The Scale Goes Up

I have to keep reminding myself of my criteria for a good day – having done something to better myself or my business.  Although the scale went up a few pounds today (I’m going to blame my sister-in-law’s delicious, if not salty, dinner).  I can’t let these little things get me down.  Bodies are weird.  They do weird things.  And today is a good day.

I spent the morning wrapping up a project for a client and catching up on a couple of things for business, ate lunch and tried to get in some fluids, and then I’ll be spending my afternoon volunteering at the Family Court for Ask-A-Lawyer.  Have a couple errands to run, but those may have to wait until tomorrow.

I’m tired and would really rather nap through my afternoon, but responsibilities.

Sleep later.  :)

 

Impossible Choices

Two posts in one day, what? lol  This is what happens when I sit down at a computer and need a break, I guess.  Okay, so I think the real reason I haven’t wanted to go to therapy lately is because my therapist gave me what feels like two impossible choices recently.

Like I said earlier, I am beating the proverbial dead horse in therapy these days about my mother and my past.  I’ve talked about everything, over analyzed it all. Life has given me enough perspective that I’m back to the point that I was before I had my breakdown: acceptance.  I was abused as a child and it’s okay.  I’m not ashamed of it and have no qualms telling other people if it’s appropriate in a given situation.  While what I’ve been through will always be a large part of my rhetoric as I learn more in recovery, it is not everything and doesn’t need to be.

One of the things I’m stuck on is my ongoing relationship with my mom.  It’s not a good one; and it won’t be until we either work on it together or I give up on it.  So, I have to make the decision whether to actually invite her into therapy to really work on our relationship or finally make the decision not to pursue it anymore.  Not an easy choice.

I love my mother; I always will.  But… Is it wise of me to continue to pour effort and energy into a relationship that I’m not sure is even remotely salvageable? Is it wise of me to open up my heart in a very vulnerable way to someone who has done nothing but let me down again and again and again?  If therapy with my mother were actually successful and positive, I can’t even begin to explain how rewarding that would be.  But….  am I willing to take the risk that it will be equally devastating if therapy with her were a complete bust? I’m not ready to make that decision, so I’m letting it be for now.  Giving it a rest and just accepting that it will be annoying until I make a decision one way or the other.

Of course, there is also the need for me to work on myself more.  Because I’ve kind of hit this therapeutic plateau (at least that’s kind of what it feels like), my therapist suggested that I try group therapy, because I would probably get a lot from it.  That’s probably true, but the thought of it gives me anxiety.  I’m not ready to try something like that yet, no matter how helpful it might be in the long run.  And, realistically, I may not be ready until after I feel normal and figure out how I feel about life after weight loss surgery, if ever I suppose.

These feel like big life decisions that I want nothing to do with. lol

For now,  because I don’t know what else to do and I’m not ready to move forward with myself or my mother, I’m just going to keep figuring out this post-op life, and keep working on balancing business and life.  I’m also going to focus on enjoying the time I have with my brother and his family.  We laugh and talk and argue and he’s supportive of me and my business.  I try to be as supportive of him as I can be.  It’s nice.  It’s therapeutic in it’s own way.

Anyway, I should get back to working.  It feels nice to write again. Have a great rest of your week.  Thanks for stopping by :)

Coming Out of The Fog (Again)

I have been in a quagmire of funky emotions.  Dealing with the adjustments of forming all new – lifelong – eating habits, hormonal changes that come with surgery (didn’t know this until after) and rapid weight loss, getting used to my family being here all. the. time., trying to run a business, and working through the suffocating depression that has followed me around like a lost puppy dog the last three months (since I had to defend my decision for surgery to the one person I never wanted to have to defend it to).  I have been so exhausted and unable to function on a consistent basis.  But I’m finally coming out of it (again).

I guess this is the cycle of life, my dears.  Up and down and sometimes in between.

I think my body is finally adjusting to the decreased caloric intake.  The tiredness lingers and I’m super emotional at the most randomly inopportune times (my brother and I have had multiple fights over cheese), but I’m able to have a good solid, productive, 5 or 6 hours of work done now.  I just didn’t realize how difficult the first few months would actually be after this surgery.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, it’s been very challenging and often in ways that I was not expecting.

My social life has been nonexistent.  I’ve been wanting to join my friends, networking buddies, and colleagues for their many holiday soirees, but I’ve only been able to make it out to a couple of things.  Some days I can do it, other days, I hit a wall and have to rest.  I suppose if I paced myself, instead of trying to hit three things in one week (hey, when you’re feeling good, you gotta take advantage, amiright?), I’d be better off.  Either way, I’m hopeful that everyone understands and I’m trying not to be hard on myself about it in the process.

I’m really grateful that I have my own business, so that I have had an opportunity to recover in my own way.  Sure, it’s been a hard transition and a totally different kind of stressful, especially when recovery brought my business to a screeching halt, pissed off a couple clients, and killed my finances, but it’s temporary.  Now that I’m finally getting around to feeling more normal, life and business can resume (mostly) as scheduled.

Having my family here has been a real blessing.  Getting used to living with an entire family after being by myself for seven years has been quite a change, but they help out so much.  I barely have to do anything around the house and it’s such a relief.  I was praying for quite a while for someone to come swoop in and help take care of me for a while, and having my brother and his family here has been an answer to that prayer in so many ways.

My brother and I talk a lot about growing up, how difficult it was, and how difficult it continues to be.  It’s hard for the both of us to relive the many terrible memories, but it may be even harder for him at times.  I forget that while I’ve been working really hard over the last few years to deal with my our past, he has mostly just tried to forget about it the last 20 years of his life.  He keeps bringing it up, though, so I keep giving him every ounce of knowledge and insight that I’ve gained about dealing with it now. I have certainly gained some perspective because of our conversations.  I hope he feels the same.

I’m taking a bit of a break from therapy until early next year.  It may not be the best of ideas, but life.  From finances, to getting back into the swing of business, to just not wanting to for some reason right now, I can’t bring myself to do it.  I feel like I’ve talked myself to death about my childhood and my mother, I’m dealing with surgery and post-op life the best I know how, and my energy is better spent on being with my family, working on business, and enjoying a little life for a minute.

I’m learning more and more that it’s okay to take a break.  As long as I’m doing something to better myself and/or my business every day, then I’ve got nothing to be down on myself about.  Even if I’m not as productive, not as busy, not as whatever I wish I had been on any given day, I’m still making strides toward some things that are incredibly important to me – a happy and health mind and body and a successful business.  With those as my requirements, today has already been a good day.

One Month Surgiversary

I have been slacking on my updates, but I have officially hit my one month surgiversary, so I had to get back to it! 

I haven’t really known what to say or where to start the last few weeks. Life has been pretty overwhelming recently (on top of surgery, my parental issues continue, my best friend is getting a divorce, my brother and his family are now my roommates, and business is somewhat slow, putting a stressful strain on the finances) and I’ve been holding it all in. So, while I intend to end this post with the upside, most of what follows is me ranting and raving to get some shit out of my mind and into the ether so I can move on with my life.

You see, surgery has shoved me back into my hole, right back into my introversion and social avoidance, because I don’t know how else to cope. My anxiety and depression have been acting up… a lot. I feel awkward in my own skin, unsure of who I am. I am not practicing good self care.  I’m in my own head waaay too much.  I just don’t think I was prepared for these emotional setbacks. It’s been a tough month and a bit discouraging, I can’t lie.

Getting used to sleeved eating is a pain. Am I chewing enough? Was that bite too big? Is it going to hurt going down. Is it going to give me gas? Have I had enough? Did I eat too much? Will this make me nauseous? Am I drinking enough?

I eat pretty much the same thing every. single. freaking. day.  Protein shake. Greek yogurt. Cheese stick wrapped in a couple slices of lunch meat. Jello/pudding. Sugar free popsicle. For two weeks now (because you can’t just buy a half cup of anything, so you have to make multiple batches), it’s been ricotta bake for dinner. And of course, water throughout the day (sometimes I do mix it up with my fancy crystal light, though).  Bo. ring.  I am a dull and cranky woman eating the same damn thing every day.

I can only stomach an ounce or two of protein, tops, at this point.  If you didn’t know, having tuna salad three meals in a row and chicken sausage for five days straight (because you always have fucking tons of leftovers you don’t want to waste) will legitimately make you bonkers. Trust me on this one.

The most exciting food I have had since surgery has, for sure, been fideo soup (like a damn nectar from the Gods), a chicken fajita burrito, and refried beans (the chips and salsa they threw in my to-go bag hit the trash the second I got home). That burrito lasted me four days and it was the most glorious thing ever. Lol

Drinking enough fluid is challenging. I get busy working and, because I get in the zone, three or four hours go by with nothing. It’s bad. God how I miss being able to chug a huge glass of ice water whenever I get the urge! I was with my friend recently and she took a humongous swig from her water bottle and I almost died from envy. While I have almost mastered a bit of a tiny slow chug, that will probably be as close as I get from here on out and it makes me sad. Speaking of fluids, my skin has been dry and I don’t know if it’s just the usual cold weather dryness or dehydration coming on. I don’t know how to even really tell!

My stomach is constantly making gassy gurgling noises and it’s embarrassing. I was in therapy today and my stomach decided to steal the session, bubbling away the entire time. Gross.

Nausea comes at weird times.  My medications (especially my anxiety and sleep meds) make me nauseous. These supposedly bariatric friendly multivitamins I got make me nauseous too. I haven’t allowed myself to throw up yet (too scared), but a couple 20 minute sessions desperately holding it back and I’m officially not taking vitamins or my medications like I’m supposed to anymore. Neither is good, I know (and certainly not helping my emotional state).

Not having food for comfort is taking some real adjusting. I’m considerably more bored without food and cocktails. I don’t have the entertainment, I don’t have the sweets, I don’t have those things I used to use to keep my spirits up when I was feeling low. I was a hardcore emotional eater, people (like, every emotion could be helped or enhanced with food); and now, despite still having all the same emotions, I can’t eat.

Dodging social and business functions based on food is getting dicey. Seems like EVERYTHING in life is centered on food! Friends who I used to dine with have fallen off the face of the planet. Not being sure how to tell a potential date that you want to meet, but don’t want to go to dinner or out for drinks, without having the courage to really explain why, is awkward. Having to turn down a client’s offer to buy you coffee AND go to lunch is just bad for business.

Food triggers and temptations are EVERYWHERE. With my brother here, my house is officially a temptation minefield. Candy, soda, pizza, twinkies, cupcakes, bagels, juice, fast food… everything I can’t/don’t want to eat or drink is all over the house now and it’s quickly making me crazy. Driving down the street, watching tv, feeling barraged by food and the resulting emotion, anxiety, and desperation is the new norm now. Fml for real.

Physical activity is nonexistant at the moment.  I’m getting dizzy after a third of the walk I used to take. I’m trying to put together a bed frame for my niece the other day (not a difficult project, really) and I’m sweating my ass off and getting dizzy after 10 minutes. I want to add activity to get the maximum from this surgery, but getting dizzy or seeing stars when you try is not fun.  Though my energy levels are freaking zapped since surgery, naps are impossible for some reason. It’s a perpetual cycle of exhaustion.

Oh, and weird development I’ve never seen anyone talk about… I feel like I get stinky way faster than I used to.  My breath is funky and my teeth are filmy half way through the day. My deodorant is also suddenly not lasting like it used to. What the hell, man!

I really don’t want to seem ungrateful, because I’m not.  I don’t want to be discouraging, because it’s not meant to be like that. But there have several been moments I have caught myself wondering why the hell I did this. I see all these incredibly happy people on the interwebs, raving about how amazing this surgery has been for their lives, how they’re working out, eating great, losing like champs, and I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I feel like admitting it’s not easy is some taboo thing that I have no right to be doing. Deep down I worry that my mother was right; maybe it wasn’t so swift to cut out my stomach.

I just want to get back to feeling like myself again. I was doing pretty well staying positive, staying motivated, getting shit done, and having a smile on my face while doing it. Now look at me. Back to my same old mess. Unable to carry a conversation. Lost in my muck. I gotta find my way out of this pit… again.

Btw, for the fuck head who told me this was the lazy way out before I had surgery… you can suck it. For real.

So, time for the some of the upside… I have lost 64 pounds total so far. I broke my first stall without losing my mind. I am down at least a dress size. My underwear are getting loose. My dresses feel longer. I’m starting to see my body changing. I no longer feel the staples in my new tiny tummy. My incisions are healing well (the itching tells me so lol). My ankles aren’t swelling. My hair seems to be holding on so far. And, most of all, I already made it through the first month!

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

My New Favorite Enemy

The scale.

I wasn’t going to weigh myself until my first doctor appointment, but I couldn’t wait. Second day home, I’m on the scale and I’m higher than the day before surgery! I gained weight! W.T.F!

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I shouldn’t have weighed myself. Lol

Eating is strange and gassy. Food still tastes delicious.  It’s a mind trip to be full off of one serving of soup, half a yogurt, half an apple sauce, and a protein shake, jello and water over the course of a day. The anxious part of me is convinced I’ve eaten thousands of calories like I used to because I’m always satisfied.

Tripping.

I got on the scale again today and we’re friends again, for now. I’m down 8 lbs from the day before surgery!

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That bitch can’t be trusted, though. So I’ll keep you posted.

Time for “lunch” – 4 oz pureed clam chowder. Om nom nom.

Have a great Sunday my friends!

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.