Category Archives: Weight Loss

Food!

I’ve had writers block lately.  I get into this mindset where I desperately want to write something you all actually give a shit to read. I want to stand out as something special to you, to the world, to myself. As more people pass through, follow, comment and like, the harder it becomes to live up to my expectations for that.  In other words, I have forgotten why I started blogging in the first place: for me; for my sanity; for the lonely girl, woman, man or person out there who might chance upon this blog and finally feel they’re not alone.  Writing for the masses is not why I started writing. So, no offense, but I have to forget about all of you.

I have been trying to continue to be patient about surgery, but it’s not easy. Patience has never really been a virtue of mine, unfortunately; when I want something, I go for it and I want results now. And boy do I want to have this surgery like nobody’s business. I want nothing more than to shed this fat suit. I want to do all the things my weight has been keeping me from. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be beautiful.

I have also been working very hard to get into the right mindset for surgery. No, its not about my jean size. I’ve been tackling my food issues in earnest, and it’s so hard. Eating less, being more mindful about what I eat, when I eat, how I eat, and the hardest of all: why I eat.

Why do I eat?

I eat for a lot of reasons. I eat because I was forced to. I eat for comfort. I eat because it makes me feel something other than the crushing sadness and anger deep in my soul. Well, I used to think eating made me feel good, but that’s not true anymore. Eating does make me feel good in the moment, when my seratonin levels are raging. When I overdo it, though, I feel like shit; I feel guilty, gross, gargantuan. It was this sick self fulfilling prophecy that I used to engage in more than I care to admit.

Eating better, eating less, eating slowly, eating to live rather than living to eat is what makes me feel really good, now. Some days I fall right back into old habits, but those days are fewer and getting farther between. It’s a struggle, but I’m making noticeable progress. I’m down a solid 18 lbs. now, but more importantly I’m feeling like I’m developing a healthier relationship with food.

I have to keep working. Daily. I also have to keep waiting.

Although the gal who did my psych eval said I passed, it apparently takes a week to tell the surgery center that. That week was up this past Wednesday, which means I should be seeing the surgeon any second right? Wrong. Everyone who could possibly approve my chart for surgical consult is apparently on vacation until Monday, which means that surgery probably won’t be until September. Or, it’ll be at a time in August when my friends are all gone and I’ll be alone through the worst of recovery. Trying to still be patient and have faith that God won’t give me a surgery date that will leave me vulnerable and without a support network.

On another note, I almost told my parents about surgery yesterday. It’s becoming more complicated not to. Or maybe I’m just so comfortable with the idea now, I’m not that worried about letting them know. Or is it that I’m feeling more careless? I don’t know. Either way, I didn’t do it. I’m still not quite ready, but I hate hiding things. I hate being silent, but these are the people that made me hate the need for hiding things in the first place. I dunno. I’m still confused by this part, obviously.

So, we wait.

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Off to Surgeon!

Last Wednesday, I had my final dietician appointment. Lost a couple more pounds, so I’m keeping right on track! Every time I feel like I’m sure I haven’t done enough, but something I’m doing is working.

Later in the afternoon I was in therapy (my therapist is awesome and fit me in after my meltdown the weekend before). It was a bit of a weird session for me. I wasn’t sure what to say and felt like I kept repeating myself. But I left feeling positive like I usually do; I’m glad I went.

This week I finally got my PCP to send over all my labs and clearances to the surgeon’s office. Yay!

Then I had my psych eval this morning.  I was concerned about it, honestly. I do have a history of mental illness, after all. This pre-op phase has definitely affected my anxiety and depression, has opened me up to new triggers. The heightened stress and extra responsibility at work has been super hard. And I have regularly worried that maybe because of the extent of my trauma and the early stage of my recovery (3 years doesn’t feel very long in this process), I’m not ready. The psychiatrist could say I need more time.

I think too much. I passed.

The psychiatrist intern chick that was subbing in for the doctor gave me some nice encouragement about having all the tools/support I need in place. It was hard being super full disclosure with her, but I’m glad I did, because it was reassuring to know that despite all the luggage I unpacked on her, I still got the green light. I had to know.

She recommended I continue therapy (duh) and join a support group. I definitely want to do that.

So, yeah. On to the surgeon! I’ve just got to call and bother my patient advocate, because she should have everything now! Diet, psych eval, labs, clearance, etc. She had said once everything was in, it should only be a few days. Then a few weeks later would be surgery! That would be great!

Fingers crossed, y’all!

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.