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Catching Up Soon

I let my WordPress custom expire and no one could see my blog posts since maybe February.  I am back, and I need to blog now more than ever.  Expect many updates!

Come Back!

Last week was so good. I was really productive and felt really positive about things. The last couple days, all that positivity and productivity have vanished. I’m still getting things done, just not enough. Trying to be gentle with myself about it, but it’s difficult as usual.  Come back blissful positive vibes!

I have lots to be grateful for.

I have a full calendar at the moment and it’s a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, the blessing of abundance triggers my shame because the more successful I am, the less I feel like I deserve it, or brought it about on my own, or can maintain it, or can do it without screwing it up somehow. It’s backwards, and I know it is (because I have been plenty successful along the way and am more than capable), but it’s there. I’m working on it, and plan to bring it up in therapy when I go back (because I am going back). That’s all I can do.

The holidays always kind of get me down too, I guess. Having a complicated family dynamic will do that. This year, I have a feeling my mother and I expect different things about her dropping off my niece’s Christmas present. I don’t want to see her, I really don’t. Not on Christmas day. But my niece deserves a good Christmas. Why do I even struggle with these decisions? It’s my life and I’ve just got to decide what I want and live with it! Otherwise, I’m leaving it up to her and that never works out for me. Lol

Plus…

As long as I’m doing something to better myself and/or my business every day, then I’ve got nothing to be down on myself about.  Even if I’m not as productive, not as busy, not as whatever I wish I had been on any given day, I’m still making strides toward some things that are incredibly important to me – a happy and health mind and body and a successful business.

I said those words just a few days ago and I need to cement them in my grey matter. Today may not have been everything I had hoped, but it was a good day. 

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

The Scale Goes Up

I have to keep reminding myself of my criteria for a good day – having done something to better myself or my business.  Although the scale went up a few pounds today (I’m going to blame my sister-in-law’s delicious, if not salty, dinner).  I can’t let these little things get me down.  Bodies are weird.  They do weird things.  And today is a good day.

I spent the morning wrapping up a project for a client and catching up on a couple of things for business, ate lunch and tried to get in some fluids, and then I’ll be spending my afternoon volunteering at the Family Court for Ask-A-Lawyer.  Have a couple errands to run, but those may have to wait until tomorrow.

I’m tired and would really rather nap through my afternoon, but responsibilities.

Sleep later.  :)

 

Impossible Choices

Two posts in one day, what? lol  This is what happens when I sit down at a computer and need a break, I guess.  Okay, so I think the real reason I haven’t wanted to go to therapy lately is because my therapist gave me what feels like two impossible choices recently.

Like I said earlier, I am beating the proverbial dead horse in therapy these days about my mother and my past.  I’ve talked about everything, over analyzed it all. Life has given me enough perspective that I’m back to the point that I was before I had my breakdown: acceptance.  I was abused as a child and it’s okay.  I’m not ashamed of it and have no qualms telling other people if it’s appropriate in a given situation.  While what I’ve been through will always be a large part of my rhetoric as I learn more in recovery, it is not everything and doesn’t need to be.

One of the things I’m stuck on is my ongoing relationship with my mom.  It’s not a good one; and it won’t be until we either work on it together or I give up on it.  So, I have to make the decision whether to actually invite her into therapy to really work on our relationship or finally make the decision not to pursue it anymore.  Not an easy choice.

I love my mother; I always will.  But… Is it wise of me to continue to pour effort and energy into a relationship that I’m not sure is even remotely salvageable? Is it wise of me to open up my heart in a very vulnerable way to someone who has done nothing but let me down again and again and again?  If therapy with my mother were actually successful and positive, I can’t even begin to explain how rewarding that would be.  But….  am I willing to take the risk that it will be equally devastating if therapy with her were a complete bust? I’m not ready to make that decision, so I’m letting it be for now.  Giving it a rest and just accepting that it will be annoying until I make a decision one way or the other.

Of course, there is also the need for me to work on myself more.  Because I’ve kind of hit this therapeutic plateau (at least that’s kind of what it feels like), my therapist suggested that I try group therapy, because I would probably get a lot from it.  That’s probably true, but the thought of it gives me anxiety.  I’m not ready to try something like that yet, no matter how helpful it might be in the long run.  And, realistically, I may not be ready until after I feel normal and figure out how I feel about life after weight loss surgery, if ever I suppose.

These feel like big life decisions that I want nothing to do with. lol

For now,  because I don’t know what else to do and I’m not ready to move forward with myself or my mother, I’m just going to keep figuring out this post-op life, and keep working on balancing business and life.  I’m also going to focus on enjoying the time I have with my brother and his family.  We laugh and talk and argue and he’s supportive of me and my business.  I try to be as supportive of him as I can be.  It’s nice.  It’s therapeutic in it’s own way.

Anyway, I should get back to working.  It feels nice to write again. Have a great rest of your week.  Thanks for stopping by :)

My New Favorite Enemy

The scale.

I wasn’t going to weigh myself until my first doctor appointment, but I couldn’t wait. Second day home, I’m on the scale and I’m higher than the day before surgery! I gained weight! W.T.F!

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I shouldn’t have weighed myself. Lol

Eating is strange and gassy. Food still tastes delicious.  It’s a mind trip to be full off of one serving of soup, half a yogurt, half an apple sauce, and a protein shake, jello and water over the course of a day. The anxious part of me is convinced I’ve eaten thousands of calories like I used to because I’m always satisfied.

Tripping.

I got on the scale again today and we’re friends again, for now. I’m down 8 lbs from the day before surgery!

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That bitch can’t be trusted, though. So I’ll keep you posted.

Time for “lunch” – 4 oz pureed clam chowder. Om nom nom.

Have a great Sunday my friends!

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Hello Post-op Day Two (A Days Late)

So, I drafted this yesterday morning, but in my medicated, gassy, figuring out how the hell I’m ever going to get enough liquid/food in to survive state, forgot to post it. Enjoy!

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So, I’m sorry for my outburst last night. Lol

Needless to say, it was a pretty rough transition into post-op home life yesterday. I was in full on meltdown mode a few times. Although I may not have had anyone physically here, my peeps are awesome and talked me off the ledge every time. ☺

I got a decent amount of sleep last night and I’m feeling so much better today emotionally. Still tired and sore, but my head is back in a positive place! I’m actually happy to be on the loser’s bench this morning!

Thank you to everyone for your comments and encouragement! Going to try to just rest rest, sip sip, walk walk, laugh laugh, enjoy enjoy the day. :)

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.

Current Mood

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When your plan A and B for surgery after care fail, you’re by yourself the first night home from surgery melting down over the inability to eat, sleep, or do anything normal at the moment, and your friend tells you to suck it up when you reach out for support… this is what happens.

Check out my art and follow my journey on Twitter, Instagram., and in my Etsy shop.