Two posts in one day, what? lol This is what happens when I sit down at a computer and need a break, I guess. Okay, so I think the real reason I haven’t wanted to go to therapy lately is because my therapist gave me what feels like two impossible choices recently.
Like I said earlier, I am beating the proverbial dead horse in therapy these days about my mother and my past. I’ve talked about everything, over analyzed it all. Life has given me enough perspective that I’m back to the point that I was before I had my breakdown: acceptance. I was abused as a child and it’s okay. I’m not ashamed of it and have no qualms telling other people if it’s appropriate in a given situation. While what I’ve been through will always be a large part of my rhetoric as I learn more in recovery, it is not everything and doesn’t need to be.
One of the things I’m stuck on is my ongoing relationship with my mom. It’s not a good one; and it won’t be until we either work on it together or I give up on it. So, I have to make the decision whether to actually invite her into therapy to really work on our relationship or finally make the decision not to pursue it anymore. Not an easy choice.
I love my mother; I always will. But… Is it wise of me to continue to pour effort and energy into a relationship that I’m not sure is even remotely salvageable? Is it wise of me to open up my heart in a very vulnerable way to someone who has done nothing but let me down again and again and again? If therapy with my mother were actually successful and positive, I can’t even begin to explain how rewarding that would be. But…. am I willing to take the risk that it will be equally devastating if therapy with her were a complete bust? I’m not ready to make that decision, so I’m letting it be for now. Giving it a rest and just accepting that it will be annoying until I make a decision one way or the other.
Of course, there is also the need for me to work on myself more. Because I’ve kind of hit this therapeutic plateau (at least that’s kind of what it feels like), my therapist suggested that I try group therapy, because I would probably get a lot from it. That’s probably true, but the thought of it gives me anxiety. I’m not ready to try something like that yet, no matter how helpful it might be in the long run. And, realistically, I may not be ready until after I feel normal and figure out how I feel about life after weight loss surgery, if ever I suppose.
These feel like big life decisions that I want nothing to do with. lol
For now, because I don’t know what else to do and I’m not ready to move forward with myself or my mother, I’m just going to keep figuring out this post-op life, and keep working on balancing business and life. I’m also going to focus on enjoying the time I have with my brother and his family. We laugh and talk and argue and he’s supportive of me and my business. I try to be as supportive of him as I can be. It’s nice. It’s therapeutic in it’s own way.
Anyway, I should get back to working. It feels nice to write again. Have a great rest of your week. Thanks for stopping by :)