I have been in a quagmire of funky emotions. Dealing with the adjustments of forming all new – lifelong – eating habits, hormonal changes that come with surgery (didn’t know this until after) and rapid weight loss, getting used to my family being here all. the. time., trying to run a business, and working through the suffocating depression that has followed me around like a lost puppy dog the last three months (since I had to defend my decision for surgery to the one person I never wanted to have to defend it to). I have been so exhausted and unable to function on a consistent basis. But I’m finally coming out of it (again).
I guess this is the cycle of life, my dears. Up and down and sometimes in between.
I think my body is finally adjusting to the decreased caloric intake. The tiredness lingers and I’m super emotional at the most randomly inopportune times (my brother and I have had multiple fights over cheese), but I’m able to have a good solid, productive, 5 or 6 hours of work done now. I just didn’t realize how difficult the first few months would actually be after this surgery. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it’s been very challenging and often in ways that I was not expecting.
My social life has been nonexistent. I’ve been wanting to join my friends, networking buddies, and colleagues for their many holiday soirees, but I’ve only been able to make it out to a couple of things. Some days I can do it, other days, I hit a wall and have to rest. I suppose if I paced myself, instead of trying to hit three things in one week (hey, when you’re feeling good, you gotta take advantage, amiright?), I’d be better off. Either way, I’m hopeful that everyone understands and I’m trying not to be hard on myself about it in the process.
I’m really grateful that I have my own business, so that I have had an opportunity to recover in my own way. Sure, it’s been a hard transition and a totally different kind of stressful, especially when recovery brought my business to a screeching halt, pissed off a couple clients, and killed my finances, but it’s temporary. Now that I’m finally getting around to feeling more normal, life and business can resume (mostly) as scheduled.
Having my family here has been a real blessing. Getting used to living with an entire family after being by myself for seven years has been quite a change, but they help out so much. I barely have to do anything around the house and it’s such a relief. I was praying for quite a while for someone to come swoop in and help take care of me for a while, and having my brother and his family here has been an answer to that prayer in so many ways.
My brother and I talk a lot about growing up, how difficult it was, and how difficult it continues to be. It’s hard for the both of us to relive the many terrible memories, but it may be even harder for him at times. I forget that while I’ve been working really hard over the last few years to deal with
my our past, he has mostly just tried to forget about it the last 20 years of his life. He keeps bringing it up, though, so I keep giving him every ounce of knowledge and insight that I’ve gained about dealing with it now. I have certainly gained some perspective because of our conversations. I hope he feels the same.
I’m taking a bit of a break from therapy until early next year. It may not be the best of ideas, but life. From finances, to getting back into the swing of business, to just not wanting to for some reason right now, I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like I’ve talked myself to death about my childhood and my mother, I’m dealing with surgery and post-op life the best I know how, and my energy is better spent on being with my family, working on business, and enjoying a little life for a minute.
I’m learning more and more that it’s okay to take a break. As long as I’m doing something to better myself and/or my business every day, then I’ve got nothing to be down on myself about. Even if I’m not as productive, not as busy, not as whatever I wish I had been on any given day, I’m still making strides toward some things that are incredibly important to me – a happy and health mind and body and a successful business. With those as my requirements, today has already been a good day.