Category Archives: Journaling

What I Know

I haven’t been able to cry. I need to cry that ugly cry, but it’s not coming.  Soon.

In the meantime, I’m eating all sorts of carbs to avoid the emotions. Thankfully the carbs are being trashed and I’m working hard to try to process all my emotions like a big girl. Lol  It’s been an incredibly hard couple of weeks, but I have a game plan and know what I need to do to make sure my life continues to improve, no matter what. 

But yeah. Food issues. Emotional problems. Work. Sucks. All of it all at once at the moment. Life.

I haven’t had an opportunity to ask Christie why she said she thought she knew about the abuse. It’s anxiety inducing, but I have some peace being nearly certain that there’s nothing that she could know that would be new to me. My worst anxiety has happened when the long ignored (but never really forgotten) memories come to surface. So, of course, I still worry there are things I have yet to remember; but I’ve examined the many scary nooks and crannies in the dark recesses of my brain and think I’ve gotten it all out. The rest is just anxiety. And we all know, anxiety is a bitch.

Theres also comfort in knowing that whatever it is that she may know can’t be changed. Its the past. And I can’t keep hanging on to the past. Embracing the future in all its uncertain glory makes me feel vulnerable and anxious, but the future is full of hope.  My past is not.

Every day is moving forward and I have to enjoy the ride. 

So, tonight, 311 concert at Mandalay Bay Beach! It’s going to be hot as eff. Totally worth it. Just pray for no sunburn! Stay safe and sane out there tonight y’all! :)

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