Category Archives: College Years

My Body

7/23/03

Cute toes, when the nails are painted well,
Ticklish feet that sometimes smell,
Swollen ankles that cause some hell,
Calves larger than they should be,
Thighs a little jiggly,
Hips from here to there,
Tummy to spare,
Breasts a little too small,
And getting ready to fall,
Back with a little meat,
A butt that’s neat.

Finally aware that there
Is gorgeous red hair
Sparkling blue eyes
And a smile,
Oh that smile!

Pink glossy lips
Along with a sway of the hips
Make you swoon
Till the light of the moon
Goes away
Bringing with it the light of day.

***

Oh, to be back in 2003, when I actually liked my body a little bit.

Where’s Christmas?

12/22/02

Lights dance all down the street,
But in my house there’s no tree.
No bright Christmas cheer
Doesn’t seem the right time of year.

If Santa were to come see me
He might wonder where he
Went wrong with this Brown,
Not full of joy, all covered in frowns.

Sugar plums don’t dance in
My head this year. Again
No stockings are hung for each other,
Mom, dad, and brother.

Christmas isn’t really about
Presents anyhow.
Jesus was born this day
For this we celebrate.

Smiles again fill my face
For Christmas is in this place
I call home. Just takes
A little faith to enjoy the holiday.

Take it All

7/23/03

You say that life doesn’t
Revolve around me, but me is
All I’ve got, so please don’t go taking
That away too.

Privacy No More

1/7/02

I feel violated, my privacy intruded upon.
Never had I imagined our relationship
would come to this point.
How did you become so jealous,
so worried about my faithfulness?
It feels like you watch my every move
your breath on my neck and your
eyes peering over my shoulder as I
go through the motions of life.
I can’t even express my feelings to
my best friend without worrying
you might find out.
You don’t need to know everything
that happens in my brain,
so don’t check up on me, looking
through my personal belongings
exploring my personal thoughts
coming to your own conclusions
about my actions without consulting me
first. You don’t have the right to
Make me feel this way about you
I don’t want to feel this way about
you, but I’ve been left no other choice.

***

I wish I could say this was about guy troubles back in 2002, but like most of my writing, it’s about her. It really brings to light how dysfunctional our relationship was – she was a jealous bitch and thought I was betraying her at every turn. I was well behaved, smart, did well in school, did everything asked of me (more than any daughter ever should have been asked to do) and yet I still had no measure of privacy. It makes me sick to think about now.

I’m fairly certain it was around this time that I was finally realizing how bad things were at home; how powerless I was. But let’s be honest, I had been powerless my entire life. I just started connecting the dots at this point. Unfortunately, it took another decade and a psychotic break for the facade I had created in my young survival mode to come crashing down around me.

An Interesting Find

Found a random journal entry a few pages into one of my college notebooks.

                                                                              7/27/03

Why do my bad dreams come true?

The rest of the notebook is blank after that. I’ve got other journals from the last 4-5 years and they usually only abruptly stop like that when something bad was going on. Something I couldn’t even write about to myself. Usually something involving her.

What made me write that? What bad dream came true this time?