Yes, that’s right! Provided I can successfully squeeze in a pulmonary clearance by 9/9, my surgery will be in 36 days on 9/28! Eek! I’m nervous, but excited and ready to keep tackling this challenge head on.
I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I was extremely worried about how overwhelmed I was feeling with all the craziness at work and the effect it was going to have on my ability to maintain my post-surgery lifestyle (and my sanity). Getting my surgery date and a deadline for the articles for the magazine I’m writing for made me realize that SOMETHING had to give, so I decided to quit my job and reopen my own law firm! Yeah, it’s a whole different level of stress (and I am still wondering whether or not it was the best decision right now), but I remain mostly at peace about the decision. I’m scared, of course, because I’ve been down this road before and it didn’t work out for me; but I feel like I’ve got a better idea what I need to do to be successful this time around and am trying hard to stay focused on that.
Since I put in my notice, I’ve been able to really destress, focus on good self care, and was doing pretty darn well staying positive (minus a few total freak outs lol). I’ve been using my new found freedom to take time to drive through Red Rock and Mt. Charleston to decompress and refocus.
Glorious, right?! I’ve also been working and earning myself some money (praying this continues!), but at a much more manageable pace. Yay!
Last week was rough, though.
I had missed therapy the week before because of work (was engrossed in a project and lost complete track of time), plus I was late and had to rush the previous session two weeks before that because of a Court appearance that ran long. Running on three weeks between therapy sessions, and five weeks since my last GOOD session, I was already on a bit of a fine ledge emotionally.
Then, because the universe has a sick sense of humor, on my way to finally make up my missed therapy session late in the afternoon Wednesday of last week, I ran over a construction sign and mangled my tire! And, as I’m pulling the jack and spare tire out, I sliced my finger and was bleeding everywhere, but only after I broke a pearl necklace my cousin gave me for college graduation almost a decade ago. Of course, as I was trying to clean myself up, I forgot to put the lid on a bottle of water and spilled it all over my driver’s seat. Thankfully, despite the excessive heat warning, a nice stranger named Bryce and my dad showed up to help me get back on the road; but for icing on the shitty afternoon cake, it turns out my other front tire was super bald and so I needed two new tires and an alignment!
That was almost $500 that I REALLY didn’t need to be spending right now. Ugh.
My crap afternoon was more than enough to send me over the edge into this funky ass depression that I’ve been trying to crawl out of since. Why did I quit my job? Am I stupid? How am I ever going to make my life work? Why did I add this worse stress in place of a stress that was at least paying my bills? How AM I going to pay my bills?! What if I fail? I’m a failure. I’m an idiot. These are the thoughts that have come rushing in with depression’s black cloud. All over a blown tire.
Thankfully, my therapist was able to fit me in for an appointment on Thursday. After my usual bitching, we did another inner child exercise that focused on my debilitating perfectionism and fear of failure (which I definitely need to figure out). It was intense and left me feeling really raw. Emotional hangovers are real, people!
Inner child work is strange, but highly effective. I don’t have the energy to fully explain it tonight, but it’s essentially a way of tapping into and connecting with your childhood self as a way to resolve childhood trauma by providing your childhood self (who is utterly confused, angry, and desperately hurting) with the comfort you needed, but didn’t get, at the time. It’s an odd duality, speaking of and to yourself like that, but it actually works.
The process is tough, though, bringing up pure unadulterated emotion. After all, you’re finally providing your childhood self a safe platform to express your truest feelings and be supported while doing so. It’s a strange, loving, caring temper tantrum of sorts inside your mind. For me, when my inner child is scared and unable to trust me (knowing that I can’t even trust myself is so hard), my breath fully catches in my throat and my stomach constricts on itself like I’m in danger. The physical trauma responses are just the same now just as if I were living it originally as as a kid. I’m carrying all that trauma with me daily and inner child work is designed to help finally let it out and let it go.
This session, with the comfort I was providing my inner child while examining one of the first times I felt an enormous pressure to be perfect and felt like I had failed (when I got my only B of elementary school in second grade), I was finally able to let myself actually feel some of the crushing weight of how unfair it was that I lost my childhood as I did. I still haven’t been able to let myself fully go there, but I did a little more than I’ve ever been able to do before. It’s such exhausting, rewarding, trying work.
Friday I was a complete wreck, so I took the day off to recouperate, because I’m my own boss and I can do those things. :) Now, it’s Sunday evening and sleep is calling my name, but I hope you all had a great weekend. I didn’t do much myself, but that was exactly what I needed.
Good night, friends. 💜