I have to get some things off my chest and out of my mind. Ive been bottling things up. Feeling depressed. I haven’t been able to create much lately. I’m not sleeping well. I’m sad, lonely, overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted. I can’t keep it all in anymore.
My work-life balance has been way out of whack for weeks now. March was incredibly busy, and April hasn’t let up. My boss is going to be out for another week, leaving me to run the show yet again (which I get to repeat in May and June – making it four months in a row).
Work consumes a majority of my life these days. I didn’t leave until just shy of 11 pm last night. I’ll be working a good portion of this weekend. I’ve got trial looming in the next couple weeks. Plus I have to be this *person* at work, who clients vibe with and therefore want to pay, who knows her shit at all times, who has confidence even if she doesn’t feel it, who doesn’t make mistakes, miss deadlines, or fail to communicate regularly with clients. It’s a lot, and it’s exhausting; especially with life’s curveballs.
I’ve continued on my quest to be more social, attending networking/community events with my growing circle of networking friends. Yet I seem to feel more alone than ever. Case in point, I had some fun work news to share this week and no one answered my calls, no one responded by text. I had no one in my personal life to share it with. It made me quite sad. I wish I had more people I could call on (and I do mean actually call – texting leaves me unsatisfied and unfulfilled – hearing someone’s voice is so much better).
I think I’m still in shock and grieving over recent deaths in my corner of the universe too. My first secretary, Shirley, suddenly died of liver cancer. Kara Tippets, who I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing personally, but was a spiritual inspiration in my life (I started going back to church while following her blog) recently passed away. Of course, there has also been the news that my favorite high school teacher, a super hero in my life, is in hospice care.
My first experience with death as a young child (my Grandpa Andy’s funeral) left me extremely confused and scared. When my great grandma died when I was 18, I had no skills and no support to work through it. I haven’t had anyone in my life who could help me navigate my grief and I think I tend to revert back to that chilhood state in the face of death.
I also haven’t really given myself a chance to process my feelings after seeing my best friend’s two year old have a seizure at a family barbeque a couple weekends ago. As one of only three adults (of about 20 present) who didn’t completely freeze or break down, being the one to be on the phone with 911, wasn’t easy. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, no question about that, because I love my friend and I adore her kids. It was a bit traumatic, though.
Watching a child go through all of that, being afraid for his life, watching as he was so confused and scared as he slowly came to, seeing the fear in his eyes as the doctors examined him all brought up feelings about my own childhood I didn’t know I had. It reminded me of the story my mom tells about the seizure I had after I ran head first at full speed into the bathroom counter. Seeing my friend and her husband be so incredible for their baby made me wonder if I got the same kind of support when I needed it most. My suspicions that I didn’t were realized when it came out in a talk with my mom about my friend’s kiddo that my parents didn’t even take me to the doctor after my seizure. They didn’t even get me checked out.
Of course, my mom’s recent relapse into extremely poor boundaries and narcissism have triggered a storm of things inside me too.
Last, but certainly not least, the universe is forcing me to wait a while before I get to take the next step towards the weight loss surgery. I couldn’t get an appointment with the nutritionist until April 29. It feels like a lifetime and the excitement I was feeling about this process has considerably waned because of it. I’m trying not to be discouraged, because honestly, it’s probably for the best. Starting a diet right now? Hah! But it’s still disappointing.
I wish I had better things to share. More positivity to spread. Light. Spirit. Fun. Something. I feel like I’m back sliding emotionally. Things were going so well and now I’m down in the funk again. I need to get out.
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